stress!

This stresses me out! Why does everyone care so much, about everything. I read all the comments on my sister's news interview about child care today, and so many people are freaking out. On a news comment. Like that is going to get anything done. People have such strong opinions but they don't use them in places that matter. They spout and spout to anyone who will listen but when it comes down to it, they won't take their words and do something productive, make a real stand, make an effort. Put actions behind them. They love to hear themselves talk. But like my brother, don't even vote. Or do anything besides forward around email propaganda.

Talk all you want. Have opinions all you want. But either use them for a cause, or shut your mouth when the other option is to put people down. It does no one any good. You're not really accomplishing anything, and you're just putting more bad, more stress, more negativity into the world.

It makes me sick.

Like this stupid news channel. Kim Kardashian this. Miley Cyrus that. The Situation here there and everywhere. WHO CARES. I don't even want to know how much it costs to produce this show, how much the hosts pay for their clothing, how much money it all takes, combined. No one cares. Or scratch that, at least no one SHOULD care. If we took that off. How many people would turn to something at least the slightest more educational, or maybe even read a book? Go outside? Spend time with their family or friends...?

God. Your life is worth so much more.

life is lifey.

Today was craft day at my house. My mom had some girlfriends over and most of them brought some activity or other. One brought wine and fancy cheese :)

I want to be the sort of lady that fully embraces her womanhood, with lots of chocolate and wine drinking and good taste in food and the finer things in life! Like Darlene. I love being a woman and all the excuses it gives you. To never settle for anything less, to be strong, but still invite the world in with open arms. In all senses. To protect and love but live life valiantly and extravagantly and fabulously. Be eccentric and proud of it.

Lately I have been craving craving craving books and games and mind-occupying things, eating them like the Old Country Buffet.

I am entered in a bouldering competition at the WRG. I've never done anything like it before. I climbed 5 days last week, granted not for a whole long time a couple of the days, but Saturday and Sunday I pushed myself for a good amount of time.

This week I will climb more to train. It's peer judged, and Melissa is my peer.. so it won't be too bad. If she doesn't do it, I don't really want to but I will probably anyway.

I like climbing. And Zumba. I like to be in shape. For Jane especially. Twill be fun. Hopefully I have some sick Zumba/climbing abs by then :)

Never enough time in the day, and it's always too early to wake up.

my baby i'm afraid i'm falling for you

“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”

Mitch Albom (born 1958);   WHAT IS MY MEANING Man I don't even know.
I can't wait for ski season. No TV. Lots of snow and good music. And warmth and friends. Hopefully family too.
I hope Nathan and I get along well this year. I hope Ryan doesn't come back into the picture. I hope, I hope hope. I know I have been bummy lately. But it's hard to find motivation. Especially after Spencer. There doesn't seem to be a point. I know, theoretically, there is, bla bla bla, but it's tough. And I've had low self esteem lately. Maybe I should write some sentences that don't begin with I.
Maybe I should get off the computer, and go stain the deck. But it's moist outside. But I need to, or I could have gone to lunch with Nathan, and I said I couldn't because I needed to stain, so if I don't stain then none of it was worth anything.
But this high speed internet + new musical discoveries + portable ipod speakers is SO MUCH FUN :)
Movie night at Benny's tonight. poor kid. I don't get it. How do you accept things you can't change, with grace even, how do you accept things that happen for no reason, that don't make any sense, that just doesn't fit? And how do you move on. I don't feel bad for her. But I miss her. and I do kind of feel bad a little I guess, because there's so much she didn't do. With her friends, with life. She would have made a great mom. A great woman. And she never got the chance. And I'm sure she's somewhere now where she'd never even want to come back, not even for her parents, not for her friends, for anybody. But it still sucks. How can someone be gone in an instant. Where do you go. What leaves. What makes it happen. Why can't we be repaired? If the body is just a machine. Why can't we just put it back together, and it works again. Her neck could have been fixed. Her body stitched back up. And she should be here again. Old age I can understand; when the body wears out, it wears out. It's served its purpose.I guess once we have served our purpose here, we can go. And Spencer certainly did well with hers. but what does that even mean? What are "we"? What is it that makes us, us? It's really hard to account for all that without a God. But I can't make my brain account with a God; I can accept that I have no idea what makes us tick, that it's something I just can't comprehend, but I can't accept that there is a man puppeteering the strings way up above. I can't accept that it's a human-like figure, no matter how un-human He really is. I can't comprehend it. Or Jesus.
So I don't know. Buddhism really appeals to me, with karma and all. But I can't see Spencer back here, paying for whatever. And I can't see her in some sort of nirvana. I see her dancing around with the God she loved. 
So how does it all fit together, then? What does it mean. I think we all get at the same idea. Maybe we go where we believe? But what if you don't believe anything, or what if you believe that the end is really some sort of mishmash of it all put together, that it's just a happy place where everyone goes. 
Maybe it's a place where only the good parts of your soul go. To account for the rapists and child molesters. Because I do think that people are inherently good. They just get fucked up along the way. And a lot of people, even if they do fucked up things, really honestly think they are doing what's right. So maybe it's all the really decent bits that gather together and frolic in the meadows of heaven. And all the bad bits go back down to try again. Because if you really think about it, your soul isn't all one big happy family. You have parts that long for this and parts that want to do that and things that you don't even know where they came from or what they mean. And it's layers upon layers, deep meanings and undisclosed desires and hidden thoughts, and some things stem from occurrences or incidences or repressed feelings, and some come from absolutely nowhere. Maybe the absolutely nowheres are from your previous lives. Maybe your soul is made up of bits of you, and bits of other people, your "previous lives." Why am I so fascinated with the old world, with old sailing ships and maps and piracy and compasses and exploring? Maybe part of my soul was once Robert Grays'. And it's back, to try to redeem itself for killing some Indians. 
I don't really know. But I kind of like this theory. It helps a little.

Honestly?

I forget what I got on here to say.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101006/ap_on_go_su_co/us_supreme_court_funeral_protests

awful awful awful! For God's sakes. People have a right to mourn and that should be considered above all else. For being religious they've sure forgotten how to be freaking compassionate. Save your hell shouting for somewhere a little less heartbreaking. How can you sleep at night. WHERE HAS YOUR CONSCIENCE GONE.

People are people the world over. Who cares.

"It doesn't matter. Who is without a flaw?"

And they aren't God, to deliver His judgement on Earth. I'm pretty sure if they deserve it, they'll get it in heaven. or hell, or whatever.

So shut your damn mouth, be happy that you think you're living the right way, and if you think someone else is wrong, extend your hand to them in KINDNESS and OFFER them a chance to change. It is not your place to damn them.

BIRP

I found a website today. It's called BIRP. blalock's indie/rock playlist. tons of songs FO FREE. from indie/underground artists. and epic mixtapes.

it's so hard to get my head up after Spence. today I thought wow, it's okay, I think I'm really getting over this alright. because I know she's in a good place and it makes sense. it's okay.
and then I was looking through Shaleen's pictures, and BOOM. she was there. suddenly. unexpectedly. and beautiful.

AND IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE

and it still hurts.

beautiful and sparkly. so full of life. she did have a light. it shines. shone. glows. it's gone and even I can feel the absence. an empty, sucking black hole.

of all people. why does it have to be the good ones? she didn't deserve it, nobody associated with her deserved it.

and it's hard to keep my chin up, I realized today that not only am I putting up walls, walls everywhere, that I'm falling right back into the same old nasty self-pitying habits. the guilt trips and manipulation, intentionally finding things to get irritated about so they have to go "oh, are you okay? oh, I'm sorry." the wrong kind, the negative attention. for some reason.
and I was doing so well this summer, feeling in control and motivated and not just in control necessarily, but capable. stoked. and now all that is slipping away.

i know this sounds redundant, but i can't help feeling like i am bumming around. everywhere i look people are finding their passions, learning what drives them and following it. discovering something and sticking to it, something that will interest them and support them and keep them intrigued and happy, challenged and motivated. something they can USE, and follow. go places with.

i'm not going anywhere with anything. i am wandering senseless. no, not senseless, just directionless. purposeless. isn't it true that man is nothing without purpose?

i have nothing to drive me.. just the wanderlust, and hesitant freedom. i still have bills to pay. i still have people i want to be around. so i still have ties. yet i have no job, i have no school, there is nothing singular i am interested in or want to follow or that drives me beyond sensible measure. i am vaguely interested in a lot of things, all of which will get me no where or will take me too long to get there. astronomy. geology. environmental studies. astrophysics. sociology and anthropology. all of which take degrees, years of study.. take dedication.

i don't have anything yet i can dedicate myself to without feeling like i'm losing everything else. there isn't a One Thing that is worth everything. that makes it okay to give up all my choices for now. that makes it not feel like settling.

except flight school. flight school could be good.

i just don't want to go to college yet. i don't know what to choose and it costs way too much money to dawdle. i already dawdled one year and it is costing me 5 in return.

i like to write too. i started a blog for vagabondjourney.com. which is thrilling. except i like my voice when it doesn't mean anything. when i feel like i have to write, it changes, and i don't like it at all. it's too.. assuming.

even a little blog like that changes things.

oh well.
i am learning that patience is a virtue. that this too, shall pass. that with a deep breath and a quiet moment things that seemed unbearable will lighten and change... that if you can't do anything about it now, just wait a while, and eventually things will come to you.

or something like that.

after being really moody and irritable yesterday, today has been a better day. i don't know if it's because i'm under the influence of caffeine, or pms hormones, or even a fire and christmas lights. but i feel more optimistic and more full of gratitude today.

i woke up at 10:30 and have done not much besides stoke the fire and sit on the couch with spike, eating toast and sipping juice and coffee and reading. and it is so nice to do nothing else. not that i did a whole lot up north, but just because there is nothing more pressing on my mind than slicing bananas for the dehydrator and getting more firewood. the house is quiet except for my sniffly nose and the loud computer. and i am thankful that there are no loud honks from the freeway bridge and no constant roar of car motors.

besides the endless comparison between south and north, i came over to sit down at my computer and got caught up watching my screensaver, which is a slideshow of all the photos on here. and being in my slightly-holiday, slightly-warm, slightly-half-full mood, i saw so many good times i had forgotten about or simply put out of my head. they are full of people i've loved in my (short) lifetime, and places too, like the high school and band trips. even though i don't talk to most of them much anymore, foreign kids and old friends mostly, i'm still happy for the chance that i had to get to know them and i know the ties will always be there if i find them again.
lately it has become very apparent to me that i have not regained the sense of consistency and mindfulness i had reached over the summer. while being home i've noticed--since there is nothing like coming back to a place unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered, thanks to ghandi or somebody--that i have trouble focusing on one thing, and one thing only. there is always something going on in the background, and my attention is divided. i have gotten worse at breathing and concentrating on something in particular, giving my whole energy to noticing things. also i've realized that my dreams again seem far away and distant, mostly those of traveling and living far away. sometimes i like to think i'd love to pick up and disappear somewhere, cut off everything here, and if it weren't for melissa i think i'd be able to do that. she's the only one i'm deep enough tied to that i couldn't bear losing, since everyone else and i go for days or weeks without talking; me and liss can hardly last a full twenty-four hours. anyway, although the ghosts of these dreams still wander around faintly in my head, i've lost the hunger and the need i felt for them, and for writing, and for reading and the arts. there are echoes but shadows are nothing like the real thing. and today while reading and staring at my christmas tree and the warm yellow light of my house, so unlike the flourescent energy-saving lights of university, i felt the pull of the wanderlust again. and it was amazing! in my book they talked of riding horses on a journey, and it would take days and weeks.. and i thought of just taking up and walking off in one direction until i reach something, somewhere. even though it feels like we know the whole world, vicariously, there is so much to uncover. and i wanted to hop on a flight to some foreign country and taste foreign spices and see foreign faces, but i want to go somewhere that is unAmerican, unconsumered, or at least remembers the values of hard work and the human heart and not profit. like a giant farm. and i can spend my days milking cows and tending a garden. because life is simple.

even though i've never really wanted to do those things, farm things, ever, being home and in seattle has made me appreciate the country more than ever. at least, if not the country, the notcity. and i would gladly take working on a farm over working in a corporate office.
so even though the superficialities of financial success wind their way sneakily into my head sometimes, all i need is a few days out of the world to refresh my mind and bring me back home. not to tenino, but home to the place inside myself that feels right, that i know is what i am for. that i fear slips between my fingers as i am stacked with homework and roommates and social life and dying to make myself a place. if only i could bring this inner peace with me back up there more easily, without having to fight for it daily.

however, amid all the fights, i am eternally grateful to even get the chance to go to college. if i didn't i would probably starve from lack of information. and the fact that i get to choose, between two, is crazy. so now i am off to enjoy the fruits of my labor--dried bananas and chocolate chip cookies and a warm fire. thank goodness for the holidays.