these soles are useless without you

wow. reading tucker blogs. he says things.. i remember them being things i was so crazy about. felt so awesome about. thought he was so unique.. the only one in the universe that could speak to my soul.

but uh... he didnt say anything extra special. and i blogged the whole damn conversation. and i've heard those things before.

and if i could swim

i'd swim out to you in the ocean

cuz they chose you 

for the model

but if i was brave

i'd climb up to you on that mountain

i'd walk through hell for you

what's an adventurer to do 

but rest these feet at home with you

i'm forgetting......

from uw. 

I was discussing this with myself in the shower this morning. because the shower is the best place for emoting. and I said, "why do you have to be such a flip-flopper?? you can never settle for anything.. you always have to have other options, and not just have other options, but jump back and forth between the two like a crazed maniac on hot potatoes."
then I responded, "maybe it's because, if I settled/didn't have a short attention span/could decide easily, then I would have nothing to do all the time, and therefore I would be bored, and I don't like to be bored. so perhaps, I subconsciously flip-flop to prevent myself from being bored, because continuity is boring to me."

"this makes sense. because then it is a vicious circle; I can't make up my mind because that would become dull, and I don't want to be dull so I can't make up my mind."

so maybe this is just meant to be a part of who I am. a very big part.

"Resigned to this suffering, we find ways to justify it.  We decide that suffering is good, even noble.  A sign of virtue.  This saintly rationalization deadens the pain, but only briefly.  Soon we are wondering why our marriages aren’t happier, why our children aren’t saying no to drugs, and why a collapsing stock market sucked our savings dry."

oh damn, maybe that's what I have been doing. Along the lines of the "I can live without it" thing. deadening, numbing.

TODAY I, want to go with my flow and not think too much about it. feel like creating some things, maybe painting a bit, or collaging, or both, i was supposed to hang out wiht schuyler but if i do that i'll have to leave in an hour, and i don't really want to... monday melissa and i are going to prime her living room and dining room for painting, and i only have 2 weeks left and so much to do and so little time! and so many people to see. :) one of which is paul. i am so stoked on our possibilities! ahhh i suck. but whatever. time to clean and be neater and cleanse cleanse cleanse. organize my energies

WHY IS IT SO CRAPPY OUT

mangoes or mangos?

today i don't feel like doing anything

got home from paul's, am stupid stoned. my whole body feels like when you eat too many corn nuts (or salted pita chips) and your tongue is scratchy/stingy. i'm watching how it's made and moving stuff over onto my new hard drive. yayyyyyyyy

i want to talk more about paul. tomorrow maybe when i can think. about how it's weird when we're apart. i guess it's natural.. but it felt like SO LONG when i got to see him on tuesday and then i thought about it and it was only 3 days. but it felt like i had already forgotten how awesome he is. maybe cuz texting sucks. but he is so cuteeeeee and nice to meeee and always tells me he loves various parts of my body/things i do/things i say/other parts of me. :) and kisses me all over and makes sweet sweet love to me, which i forgot how amazing it was. and pets me and tickles me and plays with my hair, and makes me smile :) and says silly crazy ridiculous things. and we have good talks about politics and life, and smoke and drink and generally live the dream. plus he opens the door for me, and drives me around, and takes me exploring places. and above all, does all this for me and doesn't ask anything of me! not literally, figuratively or metaphorically; i don't feel pressured or bugged or taken for granted or anything. just liked. and it makes me want to do these things for him in return.


however i was trying to send out my feelers as far as forcing it goes. and i do feel it, a little bit, when i think about it. but if i consciously sit back and just enjoy the ride, and stop trying to force it, it goes away (obviously). but i mean... it's like i have this view of A Relationship, and that as you progress along a certain timeline, so does the relationship. as does x, y. rise over run and whatnot. but it doesn't have to be that way. we can stay at point (Easy NSA Just Liking, More Than Friends But Nothing Serious) for as long as we want to. And we should. But automatically this just happens to me, it's like my brain does it automatically and my body and mind go through the motions after it. weird. maybe that's what I'm really good at in life. So I have to consciously remind myself to stay back, stay back fido, calm down.

picture time!

sitting at the mouth of the last tunnel, caved in, before we turn back

kyle on the big scary bridge thing

:)

<3

one tunnel

stiliguamish river

another tunnel

friends.