after being really moody and irritable yesterday, today has been a better day. i don't know if it's because i'm under the influence of caffeine, or pms hormones, or even a fire and christmas lights. but i feel more optimistic and more full of gratitude today.
i woke up at 10:30 and have done not much besides stoke the fire and sit on the couch with spike, eating toast and sipping juice and coffee and reading. and it is so nice to do nothing else. not that i did a whole lot up north, but just because there is nothing more pressing on my mind than slicing bananas for the dehydrator and getting more firewood. the house is quiet except for my sniffly nose and the loud computer. and i am thankful that there are no loud honks from the freeway bridge and no constant roar of car motors.
besides the endless comparison between south and north, i came over to sit down at my computer and got caught up watching my screensaver, which is a slideshow of all the photos on here. and being in my slightly-holiday, slightly-warm, slightly-half-full mood, i saw so many good times i had forgotten about or simply put out of my head. they are full of people i've loved in my (short) lifetime, and places too, like the high school and band trips. even though i don't talk to most of them much anymore, foreign kids and old friends mostly, i'm still happy for the chance that i had to get to know them and i know the ties will always be there if i find them again.
lately it has become very apparent to me that i have not regained the sense of consistency and mindfulness i had reached over the summer. while being home i've noticed--since there is nothing like coming back to a place unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered, thanks to ghandi or somebody--that i have trouble focusing on one thing, and one thing only. there is always something going on in the background, and my attention is divided. i have gotten worse at breathing and concentrating on something in particular, giving my whole energy to noticing things. also i've realized that my dreams again seem far away and distant, mostly those of traveling and living far away. sometimes i like to think i'd love to pick up and disappear somewhere, cut off everything here, and if it weren't for melissa i think i'd be able to do that. she's the only one i'm deep enough tied to that i couldn't bear losing, since everyone else and i go for days or weeks without talking; me and liss can hardly last a full twenty-four hours. anyway, although the ghosts of these dreams still wander around faintly in my head, i've lost the hunger and the need i felt for them, and for writing, and for reading and the arts. there are echoes but shadows are nothing like the real thing. and today while reading and staring at my christmas tree and the warm yellow light of my house, so unlike the flourescent energy-saving lights of university, i felt the pull of the wanderlust again. and it was amazing! in my book they talked of riding horses on a journey, and it would take days and weeks.. and i thought of just taking up and walking off in one direction until i reach something, somewhere. even though it feels like we know the whole world, vicariously, there is so much to uncover. and i wanted to hop on a flight to some foreign country and taste foreign spices and see foreign faces, but i want to go somewhere that is unAmerican, unconsumered, or at least remembers the values of hard work and the human heart and not profit. like a giant farm. and i can spend my days milking cows and tending a garden. because life is simple.
even though i've never really wanted to do those things, farm things, ever, being home and in seattle has made me appreciate the country more than ever. at least, if not the country, the notcity. and i would gladly take working on a farm over working in a corporate office.
so even though the superficialities of financial success wind their way sneakily into my head sometimes, all i need is a few days out of the world to refresh my mind and bring me back home. not to tenino, but home to the place inside myself that feels right, that i know is what i am for. that i fear slips between my fingers as i am stacked with homework and roommates and social life and dying to make myself a place. if only i could bring this inner peace with me back up there more easily, without having to fight for it daily.
however, amid all the fights, i am eternally grateful to even get the chance to go to college. if i didn't i would probably starve from lack of information. and the fact that i get to choose, between two, is crazy. so now i am off to enjoy the fruits of my labor--dried bananas and chocolate chip cookies and a warm fire. thank goodness for the holidays.
