Each human being must keep alight within him the sacred flame of madness. And must behave like a normal person 

 

 

At the library in monroe, doing some checkups and ins before heading back to the cabin where we have no internet and no phone. It's not that bad really. Our snow is slowly and stubbornly kind of melting, but not very much... it's just mostly heavy and cement-y and sticky. I work tomorrow; we open WEDNESDAY WOOOOOOO. I'm so stoked. I can't wait. We shoveled the deck and the lower deck today and Nathan fell through the hole. Ha. I wish I'd gotten a picture. 

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator. Forgiving seems almost unnatural. Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do. But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. ~Lewis B. Smedes

Snowwww!! It snowed so much last night! We have about 9 inches on our porch. Hallelujah! Love love love it up here. So beautiful. Sets my heart at rest.

Snow at work yesterday

Nathan shoveling a path on our deck! How sweet of him.

So much snow on the rails!

Nathan causing an avalanche on the roof.

On the porch this morning

Up the river

Pretty little house!

Bluebird day!

yes!

Reignited my faith in humanity.

https://rlsh-manual.com/WELCOME.html

http://perezhilton.com/2010-11-19-real-life-superheroes-hit-the-streets-of-seattle-to-fight-crime


http://capitolhill.komonews.com/content/phoenix-jones-real-life-superhero

Your Love Horoscope

Expect the unexpected seems to be the name of the game for you in love, Gemini. You are going through a period where there will be surprises at every corner. Some of them will be good, and some may discourage you. Attached? You may find a secret out about your lover, but do not judge from first appearances, there is more to this than you think. If you are single, now is a good time for an unexpected encounter, so make a point of saying hello or taking a risk if someone new has caught your eye for more than the standard three seconds.



No thank you! I have had more than enough surprises from him.

I had a strange dream last night. I keep forgetting the beginning of it. But somewhere in there Brandon, Brittney, Dakin, Krystal and a few other people and I were all at Melissa's... Brandon was talking about how stressed out he is about his mom and everything. Then everyone was supposed to go outside or something. I was walking down the road and there was a big open grassy area and I saw Doyle and a bunch of guys in a bushy part, around a fire, and there was a low stone wall and on the other side Spence Devon and Sam were all sitting at a little wrought iron table, in fancy dresses. and I tried to lean over to hug them but it was hard. And I didn't hug Sammi because I didn't even know she was there until I had hugged all of them, but she was sitting in the middle of them and I hadn't even seen her, so I apologized. This park thing was right by the road. And then some stuff happened that I don't remember, but then we were on the other side of the road and Krystal was being shown a string trick by somebody on this ledge on the side of the hill by the road and it was somehow messing with her clothes, like would end up inside her shirt and then her pants and then twisted some way around her... And as this was happening I looked down (it was a sunny day out) on the road and there was water streaming by, like it does when it rains really super hard and you can see it flowing down the road? For a second it was really a river, and there were things floating in it, and some bright shiny things and Krystal said "what's that?" And I looked closely and said "CDs." But then it was the normal road again, and I looked closer and thought wait a minute, I know those CDs, so I went down to look closer at them, and sure enough they were Philip's. So I started frantically gathering them up as best I could, dodging cars and scrabbling to get them off the pavement and out of the water before they got too ruined. And I remember thinking shit shit shit, I have to get these, it was very important for some reason. And also we were on Old 99 just before the turn to Waldrick by the big blue house, and I remember thinking, shit, I hope nothing happened to Philip, what if these are all strewn about because something happened to him like a car accident, since he lives down this road and everything. And there was more to the dream, both before and after, but I can't remember it at all anymore. But I was very upset during the CDs part.

video tour

Winter Storm!

holy crap! last night was absolutely crazy. we hadn't really heard much about a storm going on even though it was raining outside, which was nothing unusual. we had done nothing all day, so we decided to go out to town. we headed to Everett to check out the rock gym there. on the way, hardly a mile from Riverside Road, we came upon several small brush fires snapping and sparking in the ditch. two cars were pulled over on the other side of the road and one man got out and walked up to the ditch, about the same time as we realized that it was a power line laying in the brush that was causing the fires. nathan called 911 to report it as we drove away, but we didn't think anything of it really.. so we went to the rock gym, stopped at WinCo and loaded up on groceries and then chugged on back to Monroe. on the way back it was raining some. flashed of lightning kept lighting up the whole sky but it was clear in front of us, and we couldn't tell where it was coming from. at one point we finally pulled over to look behind us, back at Everett, and there it was! the city was lighting up an enormous ribbon of a bank of towering clouds, roiling and thick. and the wind, which was nearly blowing my little Geo off the road, was blowing it all towards the Cascades and us.
we stopped at (where else?) Benjarong's and the whole time we were eating our delicious Sen Yai, the lights were flickering and the TV was losing reception. we ran back out to the car, and nathan kept his hat on this time, and we headed down highway 2.
all the way there the roads were full of branches. branches and bark, tree limbs, tree bits, needles, leaves, all kinds of debris blowing everywhere. the road was treebark-orange in places.
so we get to the sign that warns you of our road ahead, and there is a semi stopped in the turn lane and the thru lane has 4 or 5 stopped cars. and there's a fire truck with spotlights across the road, and all we can see is branches across the road, and a semi truck. 

the guy tells us that there's a power line across our road and the PUD is on its way, as the "highest priority call right now," as nathan liked to remind me.
so we wait...

and wait....

and wait some more.

eventually they let us through. and then we wait for another half an hour in the index cafe parking lot with the owners peeking out at us with a flashlight wondering why there is a strange lightning-bolted car outside.

so we start up the road.

before the bridge there is a wire down, across the road, that we must drive over to get home. nathan is driving at this point because it is 1am and I had been sleeping the whole time and still am not very clear headed. so I brace myself on the roof and shriek as we drive over it but nothing happens. we live.

big tree pieces in the road, large branches, roaring cascading waterfall. up the switchbacks. under the trestle. and bam! big bright lights staring at us behind the silhouette of a huge fir at an angle across the road. they trim a few branches and let us pass under it, as "one of many."

we were lucky they'd been up the road already, because right before mark and bonny's was another huge pile of trees on top of a power line. we crossed another one in the road somewhere in there. we make up the next hill and... POW BOOM BANG
there's like 6 trees down right on our driveway. we can't see the sign, or even the gravel, there are so many trees!
so we turn around barely making it without spearing ourselves on branches or falling into the ditch and knock on mark and bonny's door. they put our groceries into the fridge and put us into their spare bedroom and we sleep.

the next day the power is still not on; bonny makes us breakfast and we drive down to assess the damage. 

Mark and Bonny's deck

This branch ended up speared into the ground somehow

Bonny making Mark & Nathan pose

Trees from the night before on the power line, before their house

Approaching our driveway

Our driveway

Bonny

 

 

 

In the creek

The merry music of chainsaws and generators drifted across the neighborhood the whole day. We cut up the big tree and dragged it down the road, chopped up and put in piles the rest. Mark will take it all for firewood. The roads and ground were literally carpeted in boughs and branches; I could bend down and scoop armfuls and dig down beneath it just to get to the gravel. I drove around before driving here to the Sultan Library and counted around 9 or 10 spots where the lines are down and at least 25 trees, give or take. And this was only on Riverside Road, with a peek up one or two of the branch off roads.

So we probably won't have power until Thursday, some people are saying. I won't be surprised. but we'll probably be in Olympia because we have things planned this week.. wow!

yay!

:)

you've got to begin with who you know you are, to be a revolution

“As you put into practice the qualities of patience, punctuality, sincerity, and solicitude, you will have a better opinion of the world around you.”

Grenville Kleiser (1868-1935);
author  I think this is a lot of my problem too. I have let myself go... I was just thinking that since I have been out of school and on my own with no one to answer to, I let things slide and I can get away with them, there are no consequences.  Even with things like having a messy truck. It doesn't feel good. We've got to surround ourselves with positive, but it's not so easy to realize what that exactly is. It extends into realms that don't mean just "happy" and "good." It means being productive, it means being responsible... I've got to get my act together. Keep up on my life. In everything. And I think that translates directly to how I will view my life... Everyone is their own creation, the image of their own thinking and believing. 

You are free, but you have to choose something. My mother used to say: "an open oven bakes no bread."

 

 

Beautiful morning from the mountain cams!

It may be easy to take note of peoples differences today, especially if you're in a situation where you have to sit amongst a group of strangers for a while, Gemini. Interestingly, these circumstances may give you a chance to think about what makes you different from others and how you can take advantage of that. Trying to fit in will not be in your best interest today, but being difficult certainly won't either. Feeling easily irritated may be a warning about your health.

Well I have been sick for 2 months then! everything seems to bother me all the time. I guess yesterday I realized that it must be latent anger and fear and depression about everything that's been going on, it's just really hard to recognize. I just get irritated at everything. and want to lash out. because it feels like that's my only outlet.  I have no other outlet... I have nowhere to expend my energy. and no motivation to find anywhere. and I am terrified.. that things like this are going to keep happening, that soon it's going to be someone close to me. and I have been refraining from dealing with it all, to a point.. I thought I was, I guess, but somehow I can't get rid of it, and I don't know how to. I feel like my only options are to be sad, or to be happy. But to move on seems impossible and heartless, like I can't, like then that would mean I didn't care about them.. and I know that's not true but it's hard to not feel like I'm forgetting about them. 


* Worry is a mechanism of our psyche that prompts us to do something. The prompting energy is fear – usually fear of some consequence. Because it is fear, the person tends to avoid thinking about it. Thus worry tends to perpetuate itself in a circular way – the fear causes non-action, and non-action further causes worry.

I need to read some more self-help books... something motivating.. some Alchemist or Nine Kinds of Naked.
 I think I also worry, though, that by doing so I will be unhappy and unsatisfied with where I am today, in life, and need to move... I think mostly with Nathan. I need a catalyst, something to free me, some change, and he is the most likely candidate. That is what I used to do--when things get old, or sad, or stuffy--BURST. Explode out of it, into something else.. make a crazy change.. and usually it was boys, or to do something crazy when hanging out with friends..  but now all my friends are old and boring. I want to do crazy things. I want to go crazy places. I want people that are uninhibited, crave more, something more out of this old stuffy life. besides just drugs or alcohol? the STUFF, the this that is life, the fabric, grab the fabric of it and twist, yank pull, arrange in beautiful new patterns. the ESSENCE. breathe it in. eat it. change and exchange and run and hide, take this life into new dimensions.. not any different life, the same one, but see it through new eyes, live it through a different lens.. 

Not settle into routines of work.school.homework.TV.  give me that variety, that spice of life.. break me out of this vicious cycle. 
Heal my soul. I used to be pretty good at that. at being okay with being imperfect, with being sad, with being not okay. and I would find the things that helped make me better. now it always seems to be the wrong things... or I pretend I'm okay when I'm really not, and I don't even realize that I'm doing any of it. it's all so backwards, I don't know what is right anymore, which way is up.. it's like, in high school, I was not very ME, but I knew how to handle it. I had an awful time with my mom, I wasn't very secure in my friends, or myself, was self conscious, but at the end of it all I was okay, I had some sort of inner peace. and now, I've traded all that--I love my friends, am secure in them, but not enough to tell them I love them, or to touch them like we used to. I know who I am more, what I like and what I want to do, who I want to be, but at the same time I feel farther away from actually being that person than I did before. it's like to trade who you are for who you want to be.. and that inner peace is gone. I don't feel as okay with myself.. I don't feel like a very good person.. I feel selfish. arrogant. greedy. like that to know who I am and what I want is to be selfish and greedy... is to take away the generosity and compassion I used to feel so strongly. now I fear for myself. Once I have begun having, I fear that I will lose it all... 
that's why I try to not care about things that I lose, material things, like my Columbia fleece. even things that are important to me. but I think even in this I am backwards... I need to not care about things that I lose, with myself. I am so worried about losing face, losing importance, losing love, losing intelligence, losing security, losing myself. I used to understand that no matter what somebody did to me, I was still me, I had me, and now that is gone... In theory it makes sense, but in practice it doesn't feel the same. or even it's that, I know that I will still have me, but it doesn't make all the hard feelings easier to bear, and I am terrified of the hard feelings. I have become numb. or I fear that I will never get out of them once I descend. when before even in the depths of my misery, for the most part, I had things to soothe my soul and it helped, and while the pain was deep, it wasn't all-consuming, it wasn't scary, it didn't threaten my sense of everythingness, I still had optimism and hope. I fear that my hope is ebbing. somehow. it all connects to fear. and I'm not even sure what I fear yet.


 * Trauma is a psychological “wound” that can still cause distress in a person. Strictly speaking, acquired fears are really traumas in varying degrees of intensity. But a trauma becomes pathological when it causes periodic distress such as nightmares, intense reactions to anything that reminds one of it, or it severely disturbs one’s daily life and work.

* Envy is a more complex emotion, since it’s a mixture of a number of things: low self-esteem, resentment, and fear. We don’t envy the successes or achievements of those whom we can identify with, that is, those whom we love and care for. Their achievements are vicariously ours too. On the other hand, the achievements of those whom we cannot identify with, particularly those whom we resent, are felt as threats to our own self-esteem.
THIS IS WHAT IS BECOMING MY RESPONSE TO EVERYTHING, EVERYONE....
even people I love.. it used to be that I was one with my friends, with my loved ones.. and now I fear them too. I am not secure in anything I do. or anything they do. I say that I am happy for them, and I am, to an extent, but not the deep down pure joy it used to be.. not the same feeling of light selflessness....

Do not worry.
Do not worry about things over which you have no control – they will happen or not,whatever you do.
Do not worry about things over which you do have control – do something about it instead.


Fear and lust are the most dangerous monsters in human life. Fear can be conquered by courage based on truth. Lust can be tamed by spiritual empowerment and knowledge of real life and real pleasure.

and I have Lust, too! It pulls me in directions I never used to want to go. I was always tempted, but never so seriously... or never have I taken it into such consideration. Material things. Wealth. Power. Not really, but these ideas wander in the back of my mind like awful haunting ghosts.

I wish something would come around that would soothe me.. I need a comfort pillow, a bubble, something I can go to to lay all my worries down and comfort me and remind me that everything will be okay... something older than I am, and wiser, but full of love... where can I find this??

Something to give me patience, because I have lost that above all else...

The days you work are the best days.

What Is Your Spirit Animal?

Janell got Otter.

the otter represents joyfullness and lightness. people who have this spirit animal have mellow personalities, and are capable of remaining calm and collect in any given situation. otters are often the ones who keep others grounded, in a sense.

Life Path Number 9: The Player

The Life Path Number 9 is a player in the Shakespearian sense. You will feel very much that life is a stage, full of drama, emotion and enjoyment to be indulged in and shared...


this is very true. I've gotten the player card in my tarot cards too! online anyway..

Ooooohh!

In order for life to have appeared spontaneously on Earth, there first had to be 
hundreds of millions of protein molecules of the Ninth Configuration. But, given 
the size of the planet Earth, do you know how long it would take for just one of 
these protein molecules to appear by chance? Roughly 10 to the 243rd power, 
billions of years; and I find that far, far more fantastic than simply believing 
in a god.

  - William Peter Blatty, "The Ninth Configuration (movie)"

Your Love Horoscope

Today is a charming one for you when it comes to love, Gemini, and you will be feeling like luck is in your corner today. Whether you are single or attached, when these types of periods occur you have a tendency to bull doze into them, rather than simply enjoying the moment. Situations like these also have a tendency to lead you to some risky behavior or decisions, so tread the waters carefully today. It is okay to simply enjoy the moment and the fullness of centered emotions. You don't always need to be so extravagant when it comes to finding true contentment and inner peace.

pictures!

There it is! I went out on the deck to take some pictures.

Roxie wanted to come too.

I look like my mom in this one.

hair :)

I like it! A lot. It hurt. It doesn't hurt so much now... but it is SO AWKAWARD to have something UP YOUR NOSE and you can feel it all the time. but you can't pick it out. or touch it at all for that matter.

But after that I would NEVER ever probably ever get any other piercing, except on my ears. F that. Too painful and too much work. Especially, actually anything at all. No thank you. Ow.

woooo! I dig it! I can't wait to try a ring :) we'll see how that goes.

Ouch!

I got my nose pierced today! Ahh!

It feels so weird to even write that. Melissa and I got it done downtown at Metro in Olympia. It hurt! It's supposed to just get punched through with a hollow needle and then the piercing goes in after that, through the needle, and then you pull out the needle. I think. But the piercing didn't exit, or something. So he had to use a pin after that, after he pulled out the needle AND the piercing, which is in the shape of a corkscrew by the way. And poke it. And then he tried to shove it in again and it didn't work, again. 3rd (or fourth) time was the charm I guess, and THAT time it didn't hurt. The first other times it did, especially when he was trying to play with it and shove it in. And it bled a lot. Well not too much, but some.

I like it though. It's a gem. I really like small nose studs. And rings, at least on people that can pull it off like Ke$ha. Who I love by the way.







Owww! I have to not sleep on it, not tear it out, not sweat on it, not touch it... And above all keep it dry, and don't get any make up in there, or it will create an awful gross and nasty bump of some kind??

I would post a picture but I figured I should probably do it when its not crusted with blood, so I'm cleaning it.... ouch and awkward!

“Learn to limit yourself; to content yourself with some definite work; dare to be what you are and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not; and to believe in your own individuality.”
Henri-Frederic Amiel (1821-1881);
philosopher, poet, critic

I MISS BEING OPTIMISTIC.

life is too sad these days.

 

Painting the Bathroom!

I am painting the bathroom! Again. Today. Guess what color?



Mint green!

Surprise!

That is also the color I painted my mom's house, and the shutters on the other house ^^, and every other piece of anything we could think of, since my mom inexplicably bought 7 gallons for just our house. So we had leftovers.

I tried to burn a CD today and for some reason Windows' Media Player doesn't like any of my files from iTunes, while my iTunes hates my CD burner. So after I tried and failed with those, I tried Nero, which wouldn't recognize my CD drive at all. For some reason. Apparently I was not authorized to do that. So I had to restart my computer; now it is working but hell if I know why it ever stops.

I think my next computer will be a Mac. As much as I hate succumbing to the mindnumbing everything. I hate all the problems that seem to occur with Windows OS.

Well. Now that I have my CDs of Mumford & Sons, Florence + the Machine, the Black Keys, Phoenix, Neon Trees and a bunch of Blalock stuff, I am off to le bano.

NINE DAYSSSSSSSSSS

P.S. TWO WEEKS UNTIL WE MOVE TO THE CABINNNNNN.... 12 days... We leave the 12th. YESSSSSSSSSS


So stoked! I can't wait! So much to do! I have to do some work outside, and pack, and find a missing library book, and we have to pack up all of nathan's house, and I have to clean my room.. and the house... and paint things and run errands and hang out with friends and aldkfaldjkfaldjkfalsdjfr.

I CAN'T WAIT!

Halloweeeeeen

Last night was Halloweeeeeeeen! We went to bed at 9:30. But the night before that was epic mcfunness! We had a party at Melissa's. It was lots of good fun.

Too many pictures to put on here. But it was really good. Julie came from Norway and I don't think she is having the best time here but hopefully it gets better for her. We danced and talked and laughed and it seemed like the longest night ever but in reality people started getting there around 7 and we were all crashed and laying around by 12. And everyone had left that was going to leave. So everyone started dropping off to sleep while we were all talking.. and pretty much everyone but Benny and I were asleep by 2. So we watched King Kong for awhile. That's how hard we party.

Benny and Dakin and Gavin got in a tussle on the ground and Benny wound up with a wound. It looked like a rug burn but by the next day it had swollen to the size of half a golf ball!

The next day, not having gotten enough of each other's company, Dakin, Liss, Danielle, Julie, Benny, and me and Nathan went to the WRG. It was Benny and Danielle and Julie's first time and they all did really well and had a lot of fun. Good times. I love my friends. Nathan had a good time too and I'm glad. he wasn't even grumpy or anything. Or jealous. Or poopy. It was wonderful.