i know this sounds redundant, but i can't help feeling like i am bumming around. everywhere i look people are finding their passions, learning what drives them and following it. discovering something and sticking to it, something that will interest them and support them and keep them intrigued and happy, challenged and motivated. something they can USE, and follow. go places with.
i'm not going anywhere with anything. i am wandering senseless. no, not senseless, just directionless. purposeless. isn't it true that man is nothing without purpose?
i have nothing to drive me.. just the wanderlust, and hesitant freedom. i still have bills to pay. i still have people i want to be around. so i still have ties. yet i have no job, i have no school, there is nothing singular i am interested in or want to follow or that drives me beyond sensible measure. i am vaguely interested in a lot of things, all of which will get me no where or will take me too long to get there. astronomy. geology. environmental studies. astrophysics. sociology and anthropology. all of which take degrees, years of study.. take dedication.
i don't have anything yet i can dedicate myself to without feeling like i'm losing everything else. there isn't a One Thing that is worth everything. that makes it okay to give up all my choices for now. that makes it not feel like settling.
except flight school. flight school could be good.
i just don't want to go to college yet. i don't know what to choose and it costs way too much money to dawdle. i already dawdled one year and it is costing me 5 in return.
i like to write too. i started a blog for vagabondjourney.com. which is thrilling. except i like my voice when it doesn't mean anything. when i feel like i have to write, it changes, and i don't like it at all. it's too.. assuming.
even a little blog like that changes things.
oh well.
i am learning that patience is a virtue. that this too, shall pass. that with a deep breath and a quiet moment things that seemed unbearable will lighten and change... that if you can't do anything about it now, just wait a while, and eventually things will come to you.
or something like that.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
after being really moody and irritable yesterday, today has been a better day. i don't know if it's because i'm under the influence of caffeine, or pms hormones, or even a fire and christmas lights. but i feel more optimistic and more full of gratitude today.
i woke up at 10:30 and have done not much besides stoke the fire and sit on the couch with spike, eating toast and sipping juice and coffee and reading. and it is so nice to do nothing else. not that i did a whole lot up north, but just because there is nothing more pressing on my mind than slicing bananas for the dehydrator and getting more firewood. the house is quiet except for my sniffly nose and the loud computer. and i am thankful that there are no loud honks from the freeway bridge and no constant roar of car motors.
besides the endless comparison between south and north, i came over to sit down at my computer and got caught up watching my screensaver, which is a slideshow of all the photos on here. and being in my slightly-holiday, slightly-warm, slightly-half-full mood, i saw so many good times i had forgotten about or simply put out of my head. they are full of people i've loved in my (short) lifetime, and places too, like the high school and band trips. even though i don't talk to most of them much anymore, foreign kids and old friends mostly, i'm still happy for the chance that i had to get to know them and i know the ties will always be there if i find them again.
lately it has become very apparent to me that i have not regained the sense of consistency and mindfulness i had reached over the summer. while being home i've noticed--since there is nothing like coming back to a place unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered, thanks to ghandi or somebody--that i have trouble focusing on one thing, and one thing only. there is always something going on in the background, and my attention is divided. i have gotten worse at breathing and concentrating on something in particular, giving my whole energy to noticing things. also i've realized that my dreams again seem far away and distant, mostly those of traveling and living far away. sometimes i like to think i'd love to pick up and disappear somewhere, cut off everything here, and if it weren't for melissa i think i'd be able to do that. she's the only one i'm deep enough tied to that i couldn't bear losing, since everyone else and i go for days or weeks without talking; me and liss can hardly last a full twenty-four hours. anyway, although the ghosts of these dreams still wander around faintly in my head, i've lost the hunger and the need i felt for them, and for writing, and for reading and the arts. there are echoes but shadows are nothing like the real thing. and today while reading and staring at my christmas tree and the warm yellow light of my house, so unlike the flourescent energy-saving lights of university, i felt the pull of the wanderlust again. and it was amazing! in my book they talked of riding horses on a journey, and it would take days and weeks.. and i thought of just taking up and walking off in one direction until i reach something, somewhere. even though it feels like we know the whole world, vicariously, there is so much to uncover. and i wanted to hop on a flight to some foreign country and taste foreign spices and see foreign faces, but i want to go somewhere that is unAmerican, unconsumered, or at least remembers the values of hard work and the human heart and not profit. like a giant farm. and i can spend my days milking cows and tending a garden. because life is simple.
even though i've never really wanted to do those things, farm things, ever, being home and in seattle has made me appreciate the country more than ever. at least, if not the country, the notcity. and i would gladly take working on a farm over working in a corporate office.
so even though the superficialities of financial success wind their way sneakily into my head sometimes, all i need is a few days out of the world to refresh my mind and bring me back home. not to tenino, but home to the place inside myself that feels right, that i know is what i am for. that i fear slips between my fingers as i am stacked with homework and roommates and social life and dying to make myself a place. if only i could bring this inner peace with me back up there more easily, without having to fight for it daily.
however, amid all the fights, i am eternally grateful to even get the chance to go to college. if i didn't i would probably starve from lack of information. and the fact that i get to choose, between two, is crazy. so now i am off to enjoy the fruits of my labor--dried bananas and chocolate chip cookies and a warm fire. thank goodness for the holidays.
i woke up at 10:30 and have done not much besides stoke the fire and sit on the couch with spike, eating toast and sipping juice and coffee and reading. and it is so nice to do nothing else. not that i did a whole lot up north, but just because there is nothing more pressing on my mind than slicing bananas for the dehydrator and getting more firewood. the house is quiet except for my sniffly nose and the loud computer. and i am thankful that there are no loud honks from the freeway bridge and no constant roar of car motors.
besides the endless comparison between south and north, i came over to sit down at my computer and got caught up watching my screensaver, which is a slideshow of all the photos on here. and being in my slightly-holiday, slightly-warm, slightly-half-full mood, i saw so many good times i had forgotten about or simply put out of my head. they are full of people i've loved in my (short) lifetime, and places too, like the high school and band trips. even though i don't talk to most of them much anymore, foreign kids and old friends mostly, i'm still happy for the chance that i had to get to know them and i know the ties will always be there if i find them again.
lately it has become very apparent to me that i have not regained the sense of consistency and mindfulness i had reached over the summer. while being home i've noticed--since there is nothing like coming back to a place unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered, thanks to ghandi or somebody--that i have trouble focusing on one thing, and one thing only. there is always something going on in the background, and my attention is divided. i have gotten worse at breathing and concentrating on something in particular, giving my whole energy to noticing things. also i've realized that my dreams again seem far away and distant, mostly those of traveling and living far away. sometimes i like to think i'd love to pick up and disappear somewhere, cut off everything here, and if it weren't for melissa i think i'd be able to do that. she's the only one i'm deep enough tied to that i couldn't bear losing, since everyone else and i go for days or weeks without talking; me and liss can hardly last a full twenty-four hours. anyway, although the ghosts of these dreams still wander around faintly in my head, i've lost the hunger and the need i felt for them, and for writing, and for reading and the arts. there are echoes but shadows are nothing like the real thing. and today while reading and staring at my christmas tree and the warm yellow light of my house, so unlike the flourescent energy-saving lights of university, i felt the pull of the wanderlust again. and it was amazing! in my book they talked of riding horses on a journey, and it would take days and weeks.. and i thought of just taking up and walking off in one direction until i reach something, somewhere. even though it feels like we know the whole world, vicariously, there is so much to uncover. and i wanted to hop on a flight to some foreign country and taste foreign spices and see foreign faces, but i want to go somewhere that is unAmerican, unconsumered, or at least remembers the values of hard work and the human heart and not profit. like a giant farm. and i can spend my days milking cows and tending a garden. because life is simple.
even though i've never really wanted to do those things, farm things, ever, being home and in seattle has made me appreciate the country more than ever. at least, if not the country, the notcity. and i would gladly take working on a farm over working in a corporate office.
so even though the superficialities of financial success wind their way sneakily into my head sometimes, all i need is a few days out of the world to refresh my mind and bring me back home. not to tenino, but home to the place inside myself that feels right, that i know is what i am for. that i fear slips between my fingers as i am stacked with homework and roommates and social life and dying to make myself a place. if only i could bring this inner peace with me back up there more easily, without having to fight for it daily.
however, amid all the fights, i am eternally grateful to even get the chance to go to college. if i didn't i would probably starve from lack of information. and the fact that i get to choose, between two, is crazy. so now i am off to enjoy the fruits of my labor--dried bananas and chocolate chip cookies and a warm fire. thank goodness for the holidays.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
did you know that the english word "robot" comes from russian "robotat," which means to work?
i want to inscribe my whole life on this computer..
it's wierd that so many lives are catalogued and recorded on the internet. it's not even tangible. it's just in air and wires.. and the world is changed because of it.
out there are millions and millions of stories.
echoes, floating.
words can mean so much and yet fall absolutely emptily.
i want to inscribe my whole life on this computer..
it's wierd that so many lives are catalogued and recorded on the internet. it's not even tangible. it's just in air and wires.. and the world is changed because of it.
out there are millions and millions of stories.
echoes, floating.
words can mean so much and yet fall absolutely emptily.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
oohh, memories
you can lie without saying anything same as you lie through your teeth. So speak up more. Don't tread softly for fear of stepping on toes. Act of love. And eventually something will come up.
JJkitty [11:51 P.M.]: idk i prefer to be oblivious to whatever isn't the way i want it to be.. i half make up my worlds so they're what i wish they were.. mayeb i'm part schizophrenic
qotsa1369 [11:51 P.M.]: its ez to see. we'Re only 18 lets save the good love for later u know. there will always be time. i promise.
qotsa1369 [11:51 P.M.]: its ez to see. we'Re only 18 lets save the good love for later u know. there will always be time. i promise.
awwwwwwwwwww. i am going through old blogs. and good old times.
remember barbecue sauce?? and tunwee?
see, there are good times to be had where you'd least expect them.
i guess i don't fear growing up... because i know i won't be too different.i just fear losing the... momentum i have right now for doing things. i want to do them and i know i can but my biggest fear ever is losing the motivation, thinking i can't ,taking the easy way out and just not doing it and ending up in some podunk town doing some crappy job for the rest of my life, with my nose in a book on the weekends so i can forget i am going nowhere.
I want to get out of this media-drowned, hype-infested place and not hear another word about anything ever again.
I don't care about my grams of fat or the top ten cars every man wants. I don't want to be a part of the rat race for money, money, money as soon as I step out of my doorway. I refuse to be taken in. I hate the society that believes materialism is something worth envying, consumption is considered a given, and taking things for granted is just a part of life.
I don't care about my grams of fat or the top ten cars every man wants. I don't want to be a part of the rat race for money, money, money as soon as I step out of my doorway. I refuse to be taken in. I hate the society that believes materialism is something worth envying, consumption is considered a given, and taking things for granted is just a part of life.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
big city dreams.
EVEN THOUGH there's turmoil. nobody can take my dreams away! nobody can take away my home.
I like sitting in the midst of chaos with my headphones in, because I feel like I'm in the middle of a movie montage.
i feel rejuvenated for being at home, it's wonderfully relaxing and energizing to be somewhere that knows me. it holds my bits and pieces to remind me when i come home. even when i really really miss people.
i.e, tucker!it freaks me out a little when i think of going to hang out with him tonight. even though i know he'll probably never change, at least for a long time.. i won't ever change either. so who knows.. it's just so torn up all the time, i'm divided and conquered. even though i'm always okay on the inside and always know i'll pull through, i'm still yanked a million different ways. PLU, UW. Philip, Tucker. Jon. Alena, Kelsey, my floormates. even though! i'm still happy. i can live up the big city experience for all its worth while i have no other choice, revel in the fact that i'm alive and this is all a part of living, life. because everything is so dynamic, fluid, flux and always changing moment to moment. so what's down now won't be so bad in a few hours, a few days, a few months, completely forgotten about in a few years.
and there are flecks of gold in the midst of all the storms! i'm gonna be juno for halloween, and i have friends that will always stand by me and never change. even when i go down, i'm up. even when all is lost, there is inspiration to be found.
we will show the world we're better than this mess...
because i fly, no, i will never deny
what's in my heart what's in my life
cause these mean thoughts and cheap shots
they will not weaken me
I like sitting in the midst of chaos with my headphones in, because I feel like I'm in the middle of a movie montage.
i feel rejuvenated for being at home, it's wonderfully relaxing and energizing to be somewhere that knows me. it holds my bits and pieces to remind me when i come home. even when i really really miss people.
i.e, tucker!it freaks me out a little when i think of going to hang out with him tonight. even though i know he'll probably never change, at least for a long time.. i won't ever change either. so who knows.. it's just so torn up all the time, i'm divided and conquered. even though i'm always okay on the inside and always know i'll pull through, i'm still yanked a million different ways. PLU, UW. Philip, Tucker. Jon. Alena, Kelsey, my floormates. even though! i'm still happy. i can live up the big city experience for all its worth while i have no other choice, revel in the fact that i'm alive and this is all a part of living, life. because everything is so dynamic, fluid, flux and always changing moment to moment. so what's down now won't be so bad in a few hours, a few days, a few months, completely forgotten about in a few years.
and there are flecks of gold in the midst of all the storms! i'm gonna be juno for halloween, and i have friends that will always stand by me and never change. even when i go down, i'm up. even when all is lost, there is inspiration to be found.
we will show the world we're better than this mess...
because i fly, no, i will never deny
what's in my heart what's in my life
cause these mean thoughts and cheap shots
they will not weaken me
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