after being really moody and irritable yesterday, today has been a better day. i don't know if it's because i'm under the influence of caffeine, or pms hormones, or even a fire and christmas lights. but i feel more optimistic and more full of gratitude today.

i woke up at 10:30 and have done not much besides stoke the fire and sit on the couch with spike, eating toast and sipping juice and coffee and reading. and it is so nice to do nothing else. not that i did a whole lot up north, but just because there is nothing more pressing on my mind than slicing bananas for the dehydrator and getting more firewood. the house is quiet except for my sniffly nose and the loud computer. and i am thankful that there are no loud honks from the freeway bridge and no constant roar of car motors.

besides the endless comparison between south and north, i came over to sit down at my computer and got caught up watching my screensaver, which is a slideshow of all the photos on here. and being in my slightly-holiday, slightly-warm, slightly-half-full mood, i saw so many good times i had forgotten about or simply put out of my head. they are full of people i've loved in my (short) lifetime, and places too, like the high school and band trips. even though i don't talk to most of them much anymore, foreign kids and old friends mostly, i'm still happy for the chance that i had to get to know them and i know the ties will always be there if i find them again.
lately it has become very apparent to me that i have not regained the sense of consistency and mindfulness i had reached over the summer. while being home i've noticed--since there is nothing like coming back to a place unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered, thanks to ghandi or somebody--that i have trouble focusing on one thing, and one thing only. there is always something going on in the background, and my attention is divided. i have gotten worse at breathing and concentrating on something in particular, giving my whole energy to noticing things. also i've realized that my dreams again seem far away and distant, mostly those of traveling and living far away. sometimes i like to think i'd love to pick up and disappear somewhere, cut off everything here, and if it weren't for melissa i think i'd be able to do that. she's the only one i'm deep enough tied to that i couldn't bear losing, since everyone else and i go for days or weeks without talking; me and liss can hardly last a full twenty-four hours. anyway, although the ghosts of these dreams still wander around faintly in my head, i've lost the hunger and the need i felt for them, and for writing, and for reading and the arts. there are echoes but shadows are nothing like the real thing. and today while reading and staring at my christmas tree and the warm yellow light of my house, so unlike the flourescent energy-saving lights of university, i felt the pull of the wanderlust again. and it was amazing! in my book they talked of riding horses on a journey, and it would take days and weeks.. and i thought of just taking up and walking off in one direction until i reach something, somewhere. even though it feels like we know the whole world, vicariously, there is so much to uncover. and i wanted to hop on a flight to some foreign country and taste foreign spices and see foreign faces, but i want to go somewhere that is unAmerican, unconsumered, or at least remembers the values of hard work and the human heart and not profit. like a giant farm. and i can spend my days milking cows and tending a garden. because life is simple.

even though i've never really wanted to do those things, farm things, ever, being home and in seattle has made me appreciate the country more than ever. at least, if not the country, the notcity. and i would gladly take working on a farm over working in a corporate office.
so even though the superficialities of financial success wind their way sneakily into my head sometimes, all i need is a few days out of the world to refresh my mind and bring me back home. not to tenino, but home to the place inside myself that feels right, that i know is what i am for. that i fear slips between my fingers as i am stacked with homework and roommates and social life and dying to make myself a place. if only i could bring this inner peace with me back up there more easily, without having to fight for it daily.

however, amid all the fights, i am eternally grateful to even get the chance to go to college. if i didn't i would probably starve from lack of information. and the fact that i get to choose, between two, is crazy. so now i am off to enjoy the fruits of my labor--dried bananas and chocolate chip cookies and a warm fire. thank goodness for the holidays.

did you know that the english word "robot" comes from russian "robotat," which means to work?


i want to inscribe my whole life on this computer..
it's wierd that so many lives are catalogued and recorded on the internet. it's not even tangible. it's just in air and wires.. and the world is changed because of it.

out there are millions and millions of stories.

echoes, floating.



words can mean so much and yet fall absolutely emptily.

books as prophets

Ahh!

do you remember FEED.

Life is turning into that book!

oohh, memories

you can lie without saying anything same as you lie through your teeth. So speak up more. Don't tread softly for fear of stepping on toes. Act of love. And eventually something will come up.

JJkitty [11:51 P.M.]: idk i prefer to be oblivious to whatever isn't the way i want it to be.. i half make up my worlds so they're what i wish they were.. mayeb i'm part schizophrenic
qotsa1369 [11:51 P.M.]: its ez to see. we'Re only 18 lets save the good love for later u know. there will always be time. i promise.

awwwwwwwwwww. i am going through old blogs. and good old times.
remember barbecue sauce?? and tunwee?
see, there are good times to be had where you'd least expect them.

i guess i don't fear growing up... because i know i won't be too different.i just fear losing the... momentum i have right now for doing things. i want to do them and i know i can but my biggest fear ever is losing the motivation, thinking i can't ,taking the easy way out and just not doing it and ending up in some podunk town doing some crappy job for the rest of my life, with my nose in a book on the weekends so i can forget i am going nowhere.

I want to get out of this media-drowned, hype-infested place and not hear another word about anything ever again.
I don't care about my grams of fat or the top ten cars every man wants. I don't want to be a part of the rat race for money, money, money as soon as I step out of my doorway. I refuse to be taken in. I hate the society that believes materialism is something worth envying, consumption is considered a given, and taking things for granted is just a part of life.

put my finger on it

i want my OUTSIDE to match my INSIDE.

big city dreams.

EVEN THOUGH there's turmoil. nobody can take my dreams away! nobody can take away my home.
I like sitting in the midst of chaos with my headphones in, because I feel like I'm in the middle of a movie montage.

i feel rejuvenated for being at home, it's wonderfully relaxing and energizing to be somewhere that knows me. it holds my bits and pieces to remind me when i come home. even when i really really miss people.
i.e, tucker!it freaks me out a little when i think of going to hang out with him tonight. even though i know he'll probably never change, at least for a long time.. i won't ever change either. so who knows.. it's just so torn up all the time, i'm divided and conquered. even though i'm always okay on the inside and always know i'll pull through, i'm still yanked a million different ways. PLU, UW. Philip, Tucker. Jon. Alena, Kelsey, my floormates. even though! i'm still happy. i can live up the big city experience for all its worth while i have no other choice, revel in the fact that i'm alive and this is all a part of living, life. because everything is so dynamic, fluid, flux and always changing moment to moment. so what's down now won't be so bad in a few hours, a few days, a few months, completely forgotten about in a few years.
and there are flecks of gold in the midst of all the storms! i'm gonna be juno for halloween, and i have friends that will always stand by me and never change. even when i go down, i'm up. even when all is lost, there is inspiration to be found.

we will show the world we're better than this mess...
because i fly, no, i will never deny
what's in my heart what's in my life
cause these mean thoughts and cheap shots
they will not weaken me

life-altering decisions!

Soooo...

My visit to PLU yesterday was very eye-opening.

As soon as I got there it felt natural. I think it was the trees. But everything was scaled down a hundreth of a percent, and it was good.

It was quiet, and a little bit secluded. Which is such a change from up here. And all the people.. all the people were so friendly and relaxed, and normal. open and happy. Up here everyone is so uptight and on guard, and everyone walks around with these walls up that it takes so much to break through. I felt good down there, better than I have since I've been at UW.

What's important to me is not the prestige, the name of the place.. I can't put my finger on what it's not. But what it is, is the people and the environment. I would rather go to a small school, less famous, with less "cool" people, and be happy than be somewhere with so many opportunities, etc. I don't know, I can't explain it. But my world depends on the people in it, and this just doesn't suffice for me.

Since I am eternally optimistic, I don't usually say I don't like something unless I REALLY don't like it, i.e, needles or public speaking. but if I were to put down that bar for a moment and let myself admit it, I don't really like it here. If Maggie can say she hates it, I can say it. I was just never allowed, by me or mom, to say things like that, so I'm not used to it.. but it feels better to say that! I hate it here too. In all honesty.It's just probably my least favorite of anything I'd imagined.. It's cold--both the environment and the people, there's too much cement and too many tall buildings.. it gives me a headache and a stomachache.

I like Kelsey and I like Jon and Alena.. but they just don't do it for me really
What occured to me today and kind of hammered it in a little more is, how I always told myself I would never be the type of person stuck in the rut. Look at cities.. they're full of people with their eyes to the sidewalk, forgetting everything peripheral, focused only on the task at hand-work or school. And I always always always promised myself I would never ever get caught in something I was only doing because it was what was expected, by society, whomever; I refused to be stuck somewhere I was unhappy and just going through the motions. But here I am, doing things because it's what I'm "supposed" to do...

Well I am unhappy and I am going through the motions. I'm not super unhappy.. i'm not depressed (yet) but I am definitely not happy and definitely not flourishing.

I want somewhere where I can go and feel at home and grow and flourish. That's very important to me. And it's not happening here! And I guess I'm just not a big city-type person; if small and intimate is what it takes for me then that's what I want.

Also because, it made me sad to look back at the fork in the road and wonder what I would be like if I had gone to PLU. Because I really really wanted to, it was just Alaska that made me not apply, because I had my heart set on that. And I wonder how things would have gone. Because I can tell who I am slowly becoming, the subtle differences taking place, because I know I would have reacted differently to some things yesterday had I not been becoming conditioned to the ways of Seattle life. I just don't like who I am shaping into right now, I don't like the automatic habits I can't help because it's what everyone else does--like judging people, treating them the way they treat me. It's the little things--smiling on the sidewalk, eye contact. I don't do it, I'm not as comfortable doing those things anymore because every time I do up here I get a wierd reaction. It sucks.

When I told Tunny about it, he says, "College is what you make it, it's only good if you make it good." I have been trying, I've been giving it my all, and I'm fading into gray bit by bit and I don't want to be gray! I want to be bursting with color. My point is, he has a point, it is what you make it, but you can only make it so good.

At the same time I wouldn't have changed this, I don't think, unless I was able to go back in time and I had known it would end up like this. Because if I went off to PLU right off the bat, and had gotten in to UW but never tried, I know I would have wondered for years what would have happened if I'd come to UW. So I came, I did, I attempted, and I discovered it's not for me. It's only been a little over a month but my guts tell me not much will change. One of those things you just kind of know. I'm sad.

But I have a year to decide. Things may change. I can apply, and wait, and see how much finaid they offer me, and see if things get better.

But then again, thinking of four more years.. I don't know if I can handle it. I feel so lost in a sea of faces here, not just in the academic system but in life in general. And I don't like it. I feel sad, and like I am letting someone down (me? my mom? tony? i don't know) but if I could go somewhere else and be happy, shouldn't I be allowed that basic right? I mean, shouldn't I allow myself that? Seeing as this is something very important to me, being happy and being at college.

Who knows. I can be patient and not make decisions now, just see how things go. Maybe I should talk to Mrs. Benek.

my religious.

so i have been trying to work this out for myself for awhile now, and i think i've finally figured it out. and it better be good, because i should have been doing my psych homework.

i'm an athiest.
it's a bit difficult to say that, mostly because it is scary. it's admitting to yourself that it's an enormous universe out there, and we're all alone in it. as well as the prejudices against the word, the automatic conclusions one jumps to upon hearing it.it does not mean that i am against religion, merely that i hold no beliefs in a higher power. i think--to each his own, and if you find that religion suits you, if it lifts your heart when you are down, how am i to deny you that?but as far as what goes for me, i haven’t been able to find sufficient evidence to believe in a God. i have looked, believe me, dabbled here and there, and maybe i don’t know enough yet, maybe i will someday change my mind. that’s what life is all about, right? so, until then.

the main problem i had back then, and it persists today—i don't believe that i should sacrifice all that i know is in me to worship something else. it has never felt right to me; i always felt as if i was lowering my own potential, and i don't think i could ever do it wholeheartedly and with good conscious. but that's just me.i believe that people have created God, in all his/her many forms, as a manifestation of what they know is truly in their hearts. i don’t believe that this is a bad thing. i think everyone is born knowing the good that’s inside, the potential we hold. but if you were to sit down and look at yourself—really look at yourself—objectively, it is frightening. how do you handle all that you know you could be, and even more so, the possibility of failure? if you can get up so high, what happens if you fall? however, if we create this outside being, that holds all the good in the world, better than anything we can imagine.. it’s a little easier to handle.

that’s beside the point. and i don’t want to offend anybody.

there is a little bit of good and a little bit of bad in all of us... that is what makes us human. i don’t feel that it’s right to feel guilty for succumbing every once in awhile... it happens, and we learn from it. if we didn’t, we would lose one of the most essential pieces of being human. it shouldn’t be something to feel bad about.

i don't believe that i need a higher power to become all that i can become, and all that i am meant to be.

i do believe in the power of the human soul. i believe that people are inherently good at heart. i don't have a clue what happens after we die, and i don't expect to ever know. but i'm okay with that. listen to dumbledore... it's the next great adventure.

i believe in art and music and dreams, and the beauty in the world around us that we miss so often. i believe in miracles of the world. look outside, at nature, if you need proof in miracles--look at trees, especially now in the fall, look at all the beauty around you in the brilliant colors and the fact that you can even see those colors, and the fact that we know exactly how we can see those colors. look all over the world, at how up until the last century or so, cultures were isolated for the most part, and look at everything they’ve created. the differences and the similarities. and each believing very different things. how can you say there’s no pure power in the very essence of being human?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humanism <<>

take a minute, and think of love. all the many things it has accomplished, in all the many ways, all over the world. on the tiniest of scales, every interaction with other creatures every day. these are the things that mean something. the sparks that change our lives. i think this is what makes the world go round, what makes people tick, hearts beat, lips smile. you know how deviod and gray life seems without it, and how bursting and full of electricity everything is when you feel it. from anyone. a stranger, your mom, my mom, me, yourself. love yourself, love everyone, and you will be successful, happy, enthusiastic, motivated, whole. be inspired by this. remember it.

i believe that if we all would realize the incredible potential inside, we could truly change the world. if we could look outside of our glass bowls. break your glass ceiling! every day.

this is a very personal point of view and there is no way i am trying to press any of it on you. especially because i'm winding other things in with it. but for me, i cannot fathom focusing too intently on the future, the afterlife, and miss what beautiful opportunities are walking outside your door this very minute. i have enough trouble keeping up with the moments that fill every day.

at the same time, i believe that the human nature is dynamic. i am always changing (and i’m sure anyone who knows me can attest to that), learning and evolving based on my experiences, memories, interactions, thoughts. each day is a new—well, day. and all that i know, is everything up until this very moment. i can only imagine what will come in a new day. so this goes both for and against my atheism—i can’t be molded into a set of doctrines that won’t move with me, while on the other hand i may see the light of a god some other day.

don’t worry, this doesn’t mean i’m living in the dark in any way. i feel as though i can open up my heart to the world even more, and it will motivate me to be all i can—to not waste my potential—because there isn’t a guardian figure waiting to carry all my excuses. it’s only up to me.

first time for everything.

oh, oh, get on the floor!
I know it's in there somewhere, but don't worry I'll be here to rock the party all night.

I felt like I blogged too much on myspace, and I always wanted to try this, so here we go.

I have made some important discoveries today. i figured out i am an athiest, and i'm still trying to breathe with the repercussions that brought. that it's not a bad thing!

Also that I am giving up the thought of journalism. it's too much everything i don't stand for--adding to the hyped-up media images, the consumerism. and as much as I would love to write the truth, like any other aspiring fresh rookie, i would have to go through too much crap for that, and i wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

Today was the first day in a while that I have felt like normal and that was brilliant. I wanted to go talk to everyone I met, and I haven't done that for awhile. School drags me down; focusing on anything for too long drags me down. I have to have my freedom, or at least the illusion of such, as well as harmony. and true relationships.