life-altering decisions!

Soooo...

My visit to PLU yesterday was very eye-opening.

As soon as I got there it felt natural. I think it was the trees. But everything was scaled down a hundreth of a percent, and it was good.

It was quiet, and a little bit secluded. Which is such a change from up here. And all the people.. all the people were so friendly and relaxed, and normal. open and happy. Up here everyone is so uptight and on guard, and everyone walks around with these walls up that it takes so much to break through. I felt good down there, better than I have since I've been at UW.

What's important to me is not the prestige, the name of the place.. I can't put my finger on what it's not. But what it is, is the people and the environment. I would rather go to a small school, less famous, with less "cool" people, and be happy than be somewhere with so many opportunities, etc. I don't know, I can't explain it. But my world depends on the people in it, and this just doesn't suffice for me.

Since I am eternally optimistic, I don't usually say I don't like something unless I REALLY don't like it, i.e, needles or public speaking. but if I were to put down that bar for a moment and let myself admit it, I don't really like it here. If Maggie can say she hates it, I can say it. I was just never allowed, by me or mom, to say things like that, so I'm not used to it.. but it feels better to say that! I hate it here too. In all honesty.It's just probably my least favorite of anything I'd imagined.. It's cold--both the environment and the people, there's too much cement and too many tall buildings.. it gives me a headache and a stomachache.

I like Kelsey and I like Jon and Alena.. but they just don't do it for me really
What occured to me today and kind of hammered it in a little more is, how I always told myself I would never be the type of person stuck in the rut. Look at cities.. they're full of people with their eyes to the sidewalk, forgetting everything peripheral, focused only on the task at hand-work or school. And I always always always promised myself I would never ever get caught in something I was only doing because it was what was expected, by society, whomever; I refused to be stuck somewhere I was unhappy and just going through the motions. But here I am, doing things because it's what I'm "supposed" to do...

Well I am unhappy and I am going through the motions. I'm not super unhappy.. i'm not depressed (yet) but I am definitely not happy and definitely not flourishing.

I want somewhere where I can go and feel at home and grow and flourish. That's very important to me. And it's not happening here! And I guess I'm just not a big city-type person; if small and intimate is what it takes for me then that's what I want.

Also because, it made me sad to look back at the fork in the road and wonder what I would be like if I had gone to PLU. Because I really really wanted to, it was just Alaska that made me not apply, because I had my heart set on that. And I wonder how things would have gone. Because I can tell who I am slowly becoming, the subtle differences taking place, because I know I would have reacted differently to some things yesterday had I not been becoming conditioned to the ways of Seattle life. I just don't like who I am shaping into right now, I don't like the automatic habits I can't help because it's what everyone else does--like judging people, treating them the way they treat me. It's the little things--smiling on the sidewalk, eye contact. I don't do it, I'm not as comfortable doing those things anymore because every time I do up here I get a wierd reaction. It sucks.

When I told Tunny about it, he says, "College is what you make it, it's only good if you make it good." I have been trying, I've been giving it my all, and I'm fading into gray bit by bit and I don't want to be gray! I want to be bursting with color. My point is, he has a point, it is what you make it, but you can only make it so good.

At the same time I wouldn't have changed this, I don't think, unless I was able to go back in time and I had known it would end up like this. Because if I went off to PLU right off the bat, and had gotten in to UW but never tried, I know I would have wondered for years what would have happened if I'd come to UW. So I came, I did, I attempted, and I discovered it's not for me. It's only been a little over a month but my guts tell me not much will change. One of those things you just kind of know. I'm sad.

But I have a year to decide. Things may change. I can apply, and wait, and see how much finaid they offer me, and see if things get better.

But then again, thinking of four more years.. I don't know if I can handle it. I feel so lost in a sea of faces here, not just in the academic system but in life in general. And I don't like it. I feel sad, and like I am letting someone down (me? my mom? tony? i don't know) but if I could go somewhere else and be happy, shouldn't I be allowed that basic right? I mean, shouldn't I allow myself that? Seeing as this is something very important to me, being happy and being at college.

Who knows. I can be patient and not make decisions now, just see how things go. Maybe I should talk to Mrs. Benek.