It may be easy to take note of peoples differences today, especially if you're in a situation where you have to sit amongst a group of strangers for a while, Gemini. Interestingly, these circumstances may give you a chance to think about what makes you different from others and how you can take advantage of that. Trying to fit in will not be in your best interest today, but being difficult certainly won't either. Feeling easily irritated may be a warning about your health.

Well I have been sick for 2 months then! everything seems to bother me all the time. I guess yesterday I realized that it must be latent anger and fear and depression about everything that's been going on, it's just really hard to recognize. I just get irritated at everything. and want to lash out. because it feels like that's my only outlet.  I have no other outlet... I have nowhere to expend my energy. and no motivation to find anywhere. and I am terrified.. that things like this are going to keep happening, that soon it's going to be someone close to me. and I have been refraining from dealing with it all, to a point.. I thought I was, I guess, but somehow I can't get rid of it, and I don't know how to. I feel like my only options are to be sad, or to be happy. But to move on seems impossible and heartless, like I can't, like then that would mean I didn't care about them.. and I know that's not true but it's hard to not feel like I'm forgetting about them. 


* Worry is a mechanism of our psyche that prompts us to do something. The prompting energy is fear – usually fear of some consequence. Because it is fear, the person tends to avoid thinking about it. Thus worry tends to perpetuate itself in a circular way – the fear causes non-action, and non-action further causes worry.

I need to read some more self-help books... something motivating.. some Alchemist or Nine Kinds of Naked.
 I think I also worry, though, that by doing so I will be unhappy and unsatisfied with where I am today, in life, and need to move... I think mostly with Nathan. I need a catalyst, something to free me, some change, and he is the most likely candidate. That is what I used to do--when things get old, or sad, or stuffy--BURST. Explode out of it, into something else.. make a crazy change.. and usually it was boys, or to do something crazy when hanging out with friends..  but now all my friends are old and boring. I want to do crazy things. I want to go crazy places. I want people that are uninhibited, crave more, something more out of this old stuffy life. besides just drugs or alcohol? the STUFF, the this that is life, the fabric, grab the fabric of it and twist, yank pull, arrange in beautiful new patterns. the ESSENCE. breathe it in. eat it. change and exchange and run and hide, take this life into new dimensions.. not any different life, the same one, but see it through new eyes, live it through a different lens.. 

Not settle into routines of work.school.homework.TV.  give me that variety, that spice of life.. break me out of this vicious cycle. 
Heal my soul. I used to be pretty good at that. at being okay with being imperfect, with being sad, with being not okay. and I would find the things that helped make me better. now it always seems to be the wrong things... or I pretend I'm okay when I'm really not, and I don't even realize that I'm doing any of it. it's all so backwards, I don't know what is right anymore, which way is up.. it's like, in high school, I was not very ME, but I knew how to handle it. I had an awful time with my mom, I wasn't very secure in my friends, or myself, was self conscious, but at the end of it all I was okay, I had some sort of inner peace. and now, I've traded all that--I love my friends, am secure in them, but not enough to tell them I love them, or to touch them like we used to. I know who I am more, what I like and what I want to do, who I want to be, but at the same time I feel farther away from actually being that person than I did before. it's like to trade who you are for who you want to be.. and that inner peace is gone. I don't feel as okay with myself.. I don't feel like a very good person.. I feel selfish. arrogant. greedy. like that to know who I am and what I want is to be selfish and greedy... is to take away the generosity and compassion I used to feel so strongly. now I fear for myself. Once I have begun having, I fear that I will lose it all... 
that's why I try to not care about things that I lose, material things, like my Columbia fleece. even things that are important to me. but I think even in this I am backwards... I need to not care about things that I lose, with myself. I am so worried about losing face, losing importance, losing love, losing intelligence, losing security, losing myself. I used to understand that no matter what somebody did to me, I was still me, I had me, and now that is gone... In theory it makes sense, but in practice it doesn't feel the same. or even it's that, I know that I will still have me, but it doesn't make all the hard feelings easier to bear, and I am terrified of the hard feelings. I have become numb. or I fear that I will never get out of them once I descend. when before even in the depths of my misery, for the most part, I had things to soothe my soul and it helped, and while the pain was deep, it wasn't all-consuming, it wasn't scary, it didn't threaten my sense of everythingness, I still had optimism and hope. I fear that my hope is ebbing. somehow. it all connects to fear. and I'm not even sure what I fear yet.


 * Trauma is a psychological “wound” that can still cause distress in a person. Strictly speaking, acquired fears are really traumas in varying degrees of intensity. But a trauma becomes pathological when it causes periodic distress such as nightmares, intense reactions to anything that reminds one of it, or it severely disturbs one’s daily life and work.

* Envy is a more complex emotion, since it’s a mixture of a number of things: low self-esteem, resentment, and fear. We don’t envy the successes or achievements of those whom we can identify with, that is, those whom we love and care for. Their achievements are vicariously ours too. On the other hand, the achievements of those whom we cannot identify with, particularly those whom we resent, are felt as threats to our own self-esteem.
THIS IS WHAT IS BECOMING MY RESPONSE TO EVERYTHING, EVERYONE....
even people I love.. it used to be that I was one with my friends, with my loved ones.. and now I fear them too. I am not secure in anything I do. or anything they do. I say that I am happy for them, and I am, to an extent, but not the deep down pure joy it used to be.. not the same feeling of light selflessness....

Do not worry.
Do not worry about things over which you have no control – they will happen or not,whatever you do.
Do not worry about things over which you do have control – do something about it instead.


Fear and lust are the most dangerous monsters in human life. Fear can be conquered by courage based on truth. Lust can be tamed by spiritual empowerment and knowledge of real life and real pleasure.

and I have Lust, too! It pulls me in directions I never used to want to go. I was always tempted, but never so seriously... or never have I taken it into such consideration. Material things. Wealth. Power. Not really, but these ideas wander in the back of my mind like awful haunting ghosts.

I wish something would come around that would soothe me.. I need a comfort pillow, a bubble, something I can go to to lay all my worries down and comfort me and remind me that everything will be okay... something older than I am, and wiser, but full of love... where can I find this??

Something to give me patience, because I have lost that above all else...

The days you work are the best days.

What Is Your Spirit Animal?

Janell got Otter.

the otter represents joyfullness and lightness. people who have this spirit animal have mellow personalities, and are capable of remaining calm and collect in any given situation. otters are often the ones who keep others grounded, in a sense.