where have all my intelligent, ponderous thoughts gone? somewhere far, far away. not here. not in alaska.

but this could be my chance, to start over. to reconnect with those long, lost threads. to recreate the wonder and the humanity. to write words and strings of sentences, to breathe and float and dust the earth with my impressions.

there is a fly in the house; i wish i could open up all the doors and windows and let the world flow in and out. i don't like being shut up.

haha, myspace. post about being angsty. how i haven't burnt out all my teenage angst yet.

I DON'T WANT TO. it's like the only way to stay alive, really alive, i feel. is to FEEL.

everything. all the time. with intensity. without worry. without thoughts of other people's thoughts. with just... hunger.

been drifting, so long. think i'll find a better way. I better.

har har har. I choose pandora brand new radio station and the first song is... surprise... soco amaretto lime. i hate you. mabye it's a sign.

I JUST CAN'T FEEL LIKE I USED TO. maybe it's the pot. ? my brain is numb, doesn't think like it used to, doesn't feel like it used to, doesn't get angsty or lovey or alive, or worried or excited, it just goes. which is nice, i don't stress much, over worldly things, peopley things like i used to

EVERYBODY WAKE UP IT'S TIME TO GET DOWN

which is good, but at the same time it's so boring, so dull, so blahhhhh.

i'm gonna stay 18 forever, so we can stay like this forever.

i'm so laid back, it's like i'm too laid back. i wish i could remember what philip said when i told him that, because it helped, but i can't remember.... zuzzy zuzzy zuzzy.  i wish i could just remember philip. :/ wish i had my old notebooks here.

we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get.

miss tucker. miss philip. miss loving like i've never loved since. miss my soul mates. miss my people. miss my loves. miss my boys. both generations. miss feeling alive, miss feeling invincible. infinite.

you're just jealous cause we're young and in love.

like nothing mattered, like we were in the middle of the universe, and everything mattered and yet nothing at all, like this world would only go on forever, and we'd be forever young, and forever young and in love, and no one understood us except each other, and no one ever would, and we were going to conquer the universe. and the world was at our fingertips. and the music spoke to our souls and resounded out our ears, blocking out all the naysayers and grown ups. only we knew what was best. now i know what is best, and i do it, and i hate it, because what is the point of otherwise? i don't even remember how to be otherwise. how to be a teenager. maybe i should start trying. but i feel so lethargic, and i am so good at making excuses. and at drinking and smoking, and blocking out the words in my head with everyone else's words, except those people i should really be listening to,

I NEED A TATTOO THAT REMINDS ME OF MY YOUTH

...like i am so old. but i feel it. feel it in my bones and the grey matter of my brains. take the sensible road, not the sensitive one.

but at the same time, pot makes me open up my brain, my eyes, my ears, my soul, helps me in to the undercurrents of the world that i can't really access while sober. maybe this is called withdrawals. but those shouldn't last for weeks. maybe i just fried my brain cells and they have to regenerate. it helps me see the connection between things, the synchronicity. on the sultry soothe of your day. may your dreams dare to dance with your days.

you know that feeling when you cross your eyes and focus on something that is so full of shit it's not really worth the space it takes up in the world? something that doesn't take any effort whatsoever to absorb? like twinkies for your mind. terrible. that's how i feel always lately. maybe i should write things more, like i used to, pages and pages, in my notebooks and my myspace...

but can't you, won't you, don't you isn't it true that sometimes you get lured away by empty promises of better tomorrows? that maybe just maybe all you have and all you need is right in front of you. and maybe if we weren't so conditioned to be disposable things would have more effect on us.. we wouldn't be so picky. we would appreciate what we have. in all its aspects and all its good and bad points.

you're a drug, and you're scared. it's ladies' night, and all the girls drink for free.

and you'll fall for every empty word i say.

thank you, yahoo astrology.

Quickie

Try to reach outside of your comfort zone to find something new in your life.

like that. right there. i felt a breeze, and it gave me goosebumps, so i reached over to the window and swung it shut. i didn't even have to move my lazy ass out of this chair. i have water, and a book, and an entire bag of shit to do, and my phone to connect with people, and this godforsaken computer, and i don't ever have to leave.

it's disgusting.

if love is a labour i'll slave til the end. :( i wish you would hold my hand. i dream about it a lot. nothing sings to me like you do. maybe part of it is because you are not here. ever. but you're always with me. it's funny, to think i've only actually seen you a few times in the last year... because it feels like more, it feels like you're always around, i'm always thinking about you or talking to you in my head. and i miss you. so much. the only thing that feels right.

i miss the punk rock of my youth.

instead of pasting up pictures of beautiful places and beautiful words... i need to find them for myself.

I NEED TO LISTEN TO WORDS

instead of just the music