Color wheel!

BLUE

BLUES are motivated by intimacy. They seek opportunities to genuinely connect with other and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal friends, employers and employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to is their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and give freely of themselves in order to nurture others' lives. BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling personality. Their code of ethics is remarkably strong and they expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. They enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation as well as rememebring special life events (i.e. birthdays and anniversaries). BLUES are dependable, thoughtful, analytical and can be self-righteous, worry-prone and moody. They are like "sainted pit-bulls" who never let go of something or someone once they are committed. When you deal with a BLUE, be sincere and make a genuine effort to understand and appreciate them.

First snow!

http://www.heraldnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/gallery?Site=DH&Date=20101025&Category=NEWS01&ArtNo=102509999&Ref=PH&Params=Itemnr=12

Chris Terry, in these photos, worked at the Foggy  and the Goat last year. Awesome pictures.

I had to drive up there for a job interview on Monday. Of course I got stuck in the snow but, also of course, two guys pushed me out of it. You can always count on a push at the mountain ;)

I got the job; Lead Cashier for the Deli. Yay on two counts! Well lots of counts actually. I get to work in the Deli again, 3 days a week. And I'm Lead, so I get more responsibility and more $$$. And it's also cool that I get to work elsewhere the other 2 days. Gotta love variety. Training is the 13th and 14th and we're moving in the 12th. Things are rocky again so we shall see. Both with myself and with Nathan and I.. but I can't really bring myself to care about Nathan and I. It sucks but he really fucked up the last couple of times and doesn't seem sorry. If it wasn't for this job and the cabin I would have told him to get out of here the last week or two. It is okay now but I don't have hope for the future; it makes me sad but it is what it is.

Rachel is working in the Deli too. I'm excited to be only 30 min away from her. give or take a few. And excited for the epic amounts of snow, and to see all my friends again. And to have Stephen for a boss. Yay.

And to get more tattoos.

Stephen and Ian told me that they had basically already decided on me for Lead, but they had to go over everything with me, and formally offer me the job, hence the interview.  Although a phone interview would have been nice.. Anyway, they also told me that I am the example they are going to use for everyone else. I have "set the bar." Which is cool, considering I don't think I really did anything much besides what I thought I was supposed to do...
Oh well. I'm not complaining!

Jojo

Listen to your heart for there lies a treasure
Follow your heart for there is the source of movement
Act upon your heart for there will be a change
That is how to plant a seed that will grow later on
The responsibility is to plant and the Universe is the sun and the water
The result, the fruit, is a collaboration between me and the Universe
Imagine … all the flowers blooming …

:/

I don't know!

Today is frustrating. I am overtired, and everything makes me want to cry or makes me irritated easily. I am too tired to do anything that takes concentration but I need an outlet for my creative urges.

I am just going to keep hiding like I have been all day (and have gotten nothing done) and avoid this. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

7-Day Forecast for Latitude 47.73°N and Longitude 121.09°W (Elev. 5166 ft)

7-Day Forecast for Latitude 47.73°N and Longitude 121.09°W (Elev. 5166 ft)

YESSS

Love

Pour your love generously on the poor, which is easy; and on the rich, who distrust everybody and cannot see the love that they so need. And on your neighbor – which is very difficult, because it is towards him that we are most selfish. Love. Never lose a chance to give joy to your neighbor, because you will be the first to benefit from this – even if nobody knows what you are doing. The world around you will become happier, and things will become easier for you.(Henry Drummond The Supreme Gift, [1851-1897])

“While I kept my heart to myself, I never had a single morning of anguish or a single night of insomnia. Since I fell in love, my life has been a sequence of anguish, losses, confusion. I think that God, by using love, managed to hide hell in the middle of Paradise”

the Greeks had three words to designate love: Eros, Philos and Agape. Eros is the healthy love between two persons that justifies life and perpetuates the human race. Philos is the sentiment that we dedicate to our friends. Finally, Agape, which contains both Eros and Philos, goes far beyond “liking” someone. Agape is total love, the love that devours those who feel it.

In the Kabbalah: The pure impulse of dynamic creation is formless; and being formless, the creation it gives rise to can assume any and every form.

Scientific paper: In the year 2000, researchers Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki, of University College in London, located the areas of the brain activated by romantic love by using a series of students who claimed to be madly in love. In the first place, they concluded that the zones affected by the sentiment are far smaller than they had imagined, and are the same as those activated by stimuli of euphoria, such as in using cocaine, for example. Which led the authors to conclude that love is similar to the manifestation of physical dependence provoked by drugs.
Also using the same system of scanning the brain, scientist Helen Fisher, of Rutgers University, concludes that three characteristics of love (sex, romanticism and mutual dependence) stimulate different areas of the cortex, and further conclude that we can be in love with one person, want to make love to another, and live with a third.


A poet: Love possesses nothing and does not want to be possessed, because it is enough in itself. (The Prophet, by Khalil Gibran [1883-1931])

Here's a secret..

Life is alright. I am antsy to move up to the cabin. My days at home are beginning later, and later.. For some reason I just can't get off the couch in the mornings. I get caught reading or computering.. And the minutes turn into hours, and the hours tick by. Usually it ends up being late enough that I only really have an hour or two to actually do any work. And then I leave to go do something with friends. It's not exactly the most productive of lifestyles, and it's starting to wear on me.
Each day I think okay, well I won't have much time to read at the cabin, so I might as well get in a lot of it while I can. Or, tomorrow, tomorrow I'll wake up at like 6, or maybe 7, and read for two or three hours and then get to work. Or tomorrow I'll get up early and get started right away. But when 6 am rolls around... Damn my bed is comfortable. I can talk myself out of getting up so easily!
But there are a lot of things I could be doing.. A lot of things I need to do. Especially when things keep popping up that will take me away from the house. Like Jason. And Spencer. God, this is a horrible horrible year.
So my lack of motivation is killing me.

I feel especially guilty with G in a coma. Here I am, taking my days for granted, not bothering to get out of the house or do anything during the day.. That could be me instead. I should take advantage of this knowledge. But it is also hard, because these constant tragedies are heavy on my heart. In a dull, weighted way, it is hard to keep my chin up. What is the point! When such young lives can be whipped around in a totally different direction with no warning, or worse, snapped off, such bright flames extinguished in a millionth of a second. And not just any, but my friends. And my friends' close friends, or family. All my friends are in mourning, and while I haven't had the burden of a close friend or relative's passing on my shoulders yet, it is a different kind of hard to sit by helplessly. It is awful. It is hard to see the point in doing laundry. In doing anything but being with the people I love.
I have never been good at being alone.

This Saturday, too, will be a crazy day. I am entered into a bouldering competition. The first ever competition I've entered in to, ever. And in climbing no less. Here goes nothing!From 11-2. And then I get to race race over to April's to see my sister get married. And then race race back for the grand finale of the comp. And if Kristina comes to visit, that will be going on too. Which, of course, I am not getting my hopes up for, because every time she says she is coming, she never does. But I am remembering it, just in case.
Today, climb. Tomorrow, climb. Thursday, we will go visit Jason, and take him brownies, before we climb and THEN go to belly dancing. Zumba every day. Friday... Football game, maybe. Kristina, maybe. Who knows.
That in and of itself will be interesting. People change...

At least they are still alive to change, though.
I hope hope hope against all hope that Randy recovers. Fully. To the best that he is able. My heart breaks for them.

Zorbing

I LOVE STORNOWAY. They make me sad and happy at the same time. Make me believe in love. I miss love. I miss being in love with someone that's just like me, someone that understands me. Oh dear.

when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Often times I get these feelings, cravings. I want to do something but I don't know what. I want to go somewhere, I need to find something to fulfill this urge but I don't know what fits in the spot. Something creative, something purposeful, something worth doing, an accomplishment. But not just anything. Right now Christmas shopping feels oddly right but I have no money to do it with :/ I was considering just going downtown to walk around and see what happens but I don't want to spend anything, and I shouldn't use the gas..
I open this blog to write and write but I have nothing to write about except my life and how I feel, and I go through so many cycles that it always seems the same. And I always only feel like writing at certain points in the cycle, at certain feelings. If I wrote all the time, when I was happy, crazy, mad, etc, instead of just what I usually do, I could use that, use how it feels when I am happy to work my way back up again when I am depressed. But I don't. And it's hard to make myself; when I am happy I just feel so carefree that nothing matters, it's not a big deal, and I think if I get sad, well I'll just live through it until I get happy again. And I talk myself out of it.
Because writing feels like it could fill the empty gaping hole right now but what do I write about? I could write a letter. I could start writing letters to everyone in my life. Or I could write a book. That would be pretty awesome, that's something I would like to do in my life. But I don't even know where to start. I could paint. But my eyes glaze over. I could read..
My mind needs occupation! Challenge! I need to go to school.. or somewhere new. I need stimulation!
People.. Interaction. An outlet for this restless energy.

stress!

This stresses me out! Why does everyone care so much, about everything. I read all the comments on my sister's news interview about child care today, and so many people are freaking out. On a news comment. Like that is going to get anything done. People have such strong opinions but they don't use them in places that matter. They spout and spout to anyone who will listen but when it comes down to it, they won't take their words and do something productive, make a real stand, make an effort. Put actions behind them. They love to hear themselves talk. But like my brother, don't even vote. Or do anything besides forward around email propaganda.

Talk all you want. Have opinions all you want. But either use them for a cause, or shut your mouth when the other option is to put people down. It does no one any good. You're not really accomplishing anything, and you're just putting more bad, more stress, more negativity into the world.

It makes me sick.

Like this stupid news channel. Kim Kardashian this. Miley Cyrus that. The Situation here there and everywhere. WHO CARES. I don't even want to know how much it costs to produce this show, how much the hosts pay for their clothing, how much money it all takes, combined. No one cares. Or scratch that, at least no one SHOULD care. If we took that off. How many people would turn to something at least the slightest more educational, or maybe even read a book? Go outside? Spend time with their family or friends...?

God. Your life is worth so much more.

life is lifey.

Today was craft day at my house. My mom had some girlfriends over and most of them brought some activity or other. One brought wine and fancy cheese :)

I want to be the sort of lady that fully embraces her womanhood, with lots of chocolate and wine drinking and good taste in food and the finer things in life! Like Darlene. I love being a woman and all the excuses it gives you. To never settle for anything less, to be strong, but still invite the world in with open arms. In all senses. To protect and love but live life valiantly and extravagantly and fabulously. Be eccentric and proud of it.

Lately I have been craving craving craving books and games and mind-occupying things, eating them like the Old Country Buffet.

I am entered in a bouldering competition at the WRG. I've never done anything like it before. I climbed 5 days last week, granted not for a whole long time a couple of the days, but Saturday and Sunday I pushed myself for a good amount of time.

This week I will climb more to train. It's peer judged, and Melissa is my peer.. so it won't be too bad. If she doesn't do it, I don't really want to but I will probably anyway.

I like climbing. And Zumba. I like to be in shape. For Jane especially. Twill be fun. Hopefully I have some sick Zumba/climbing abs by then :)

Never enough time in the day, and it's always too early to wake up.

my baby i'm afraid i'm falling for you

“The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”

Mitch Albom (born 1958);   WHAT IS MY MEANING Man I don't even know.
I can't wait for ski season. No TV. Lots of snow and good music. And warmth and friends. Hopefully family too.
I hope Nathan and I get along well this year. I hope Ryan doesn't come back into the picture. I hope, I hope hope. I know I have been bummy lately. But it's hard to find motivation. Especially after Spencer. There doesn't seem to be a point. I know, theoretically, there is, bla bla bla, but it's tough. And I've had low self esteem lately. Maybe I should write some sentences that don't begin with I.
Maybe I should get off the computer, and go stain the deck. But it's moist outside. But I need to, or I could have gone to lunch with Nathan, and I said I couldn't because I needed to stain, so if I don't stain then none of it was worth anything.
But this high speed internet + new musical discoveries + portable ipod speakers is SO MUCH FUN :)
Movie night at Benny's tonight. poor kid. I don't get it. How do you accept things you can't change, with grace even, how do you accept things that happen for no reason, that don't make any sense, that just doesn't fit? And how do you move on. I don't feel bad for her. But I miss her. and I do kind of feel bad a little I guess, because there's so much she didn't do. With her friends, with life. She would have made a great mom. A great woman. And she never got the chance. And I'm sure she's somewhere now where she'd never even want to come back, not even for her parents, not for her friends, for anybody. But it still sucks. How can someone be gone in an instant. Where do you go. What leaves. What makes it happen. Why can't we be repaired? If the body is just a machine. Why can't we just put it back together, and it works again. Her neck could have been fixed. Her body stitched back up. And she should be here again. Old age I can understand; when the body wears out, it wears out. It's served its purpose.I guess once we have served our purpose here, we can go. And Spencer certainly did well with hers. but what does that even mean? What are "we"? What is it that makes us, us? It's really hard to account for all that without a God. But I can't make my brain account with a God; I can accept that I have no idea what makes us tick, that it's something I just can't comprehend, but I can't accept that there is a man puppeteering the strings way up above. I can't accept that it's a human-like figure, no matter how un-human He really is. I can't comprehend it. Or Jesus.
So I don't know. Buddhism really appeals to me, with karma and all. But I can't see Spencer back here, paying for whatever. And I can't see her in some sort of nirvana. I see her dancing around with the God she loved. 
So how does it all fit together, then? What does it mean. I think we all get at the same idea. Maybe we go where we believe? But what if you don't believe anything, or what if you believe that the end is really some sort of mishmash of it all put together, that it's just a happy place where everyone goes. 
Maybe it's a place where only the good parts of your soul go. To account for the rapists and child molesters. Because I do think that people are inherently good. They just get fucked up along the way. And a lot of people, even if they do fucked up things, really honestly think they are doing what's right. So maybe it's all the really decent bits that gather together and frolic in the meadows of heaven. And all the bad bits go back down to try again. Because if you really think about it, your soul isn't all one big happy family. You have parts that long for this and parts that want to do that and things that you don't even know where they came from or what they mean. And it's layers upon layers, deep meanings and undisclosed desires and hidden thoughts, and some things stem from occurrences or incidences or repressed feelings, and some come from absolutely nowhere. Maybe the absolutely nowheres are from your previous lives. Maybe your soul is made up of bits of you, and bits of other people, your "previous lives." Why am I so fascinated with the old world, with old sailing ships and maps and piracy and compasses and exploring? Maybe part of my soul was once Robert Grays'. And it's back, to try to redeem itself for killing some Indians. 
I don't really know. But I kind of like this theory. It helps a little.

Honestly?

I forget what I got on here to say.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101006/ap_on_go_su_co/us_supreme_court_funeral_protests

awful awful awful! For God's sakes. People have a right to mourn and that should be considered above all else. For being religious they've sure forgotten how to be freaking compassionate. Save your hell shouting for somewhere a little less heartbreaking. How can you sleep at night. WHERE HAS YOUR CONSCIENCE GONE.

People are people the world over. Who cares.

"It doesn't matter. Who is without a flaw?"

And they aren't God, to deliver His judgement on Earth. I'm pretty sure if they deserve it, they'll get it in heaven. or hell, or whatever.

So shut your damn mouth, be happy that you think you're living the right way, and if you think someone else is wrong, extend your hand to them in KINDNESS and OFFER them a chance to change. It is not your place to damn them.

BIRP

I found a website today. It's called BIRP. blalock's indie/rock playlist. tons of songs FO FREE. from indie/underground artists. and epic mixtapes.

it's so hard to get my head up after Spence. today I thought wow, it's okay, I think I'm really getting over this alright. because I know she's in a good place and it makes sense. it's okay.
and then I was looking through Shaleen's pictures, and BOOM. she was there. suddenly. unexpectedly. and beautiful.

AND IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE

and it still hurts.

beautiful and sparkly. so full of life. she did have a light. it shines. shone. glows. it's gone and even I can feel the absence. an empty, sucking black hole.

of all people. why does it have to be the good ones? she didn't deserve it, nobody associated with her deserved it.

and it's hard to keep my chin up, I realized today that not only am I putting up walls, walls everywhere, that I'm falling right back into the same old nasty self-pitying habits. the guilt trips and manipulation, intentionally finding things to get irritated about so they have to go "oh, are you okay? oh, I'm sorry." the wrong kind, the negative attention. for some reason.
and I was doing so well this summer, feeling in control and motivated and not just in control necessarily, but capable. stoked. and now all that is slipping away.