Here's a secret..

Life is alright. I am antsy to move up to the cabin. My days at home are beginning later, and later.. For some reason I just can't get off the couch in the mornings. I get caught reading or computering.. And the minutes turn into hours, and the hours tick by. Usually it ends up being late enough that I only really have an hour or two to actually do any work. And then I leave to go do something with friends. It's not exactly the most productive of lifestyles, and it's starting to wear on me.
Each day I think okay, well I won't have much time to read at the cabin, so I might as well get in a lot of it while I can. Or, tomorrow, tomorrow I'll wake up at like 6, or maybe 7, and read for two or three hours and then get to work. Or tomorrow I'll get up early and get started right away. But when 6 am rolls around... Damn my bed is comfortable. I can talk myself out of getting up so easily!
But there are a lot of things I could be doing.. A lot of things I need to do. Especially when things keep popping up that will take me away from the house. Like Jason. And Spencer. God, this is a horrible horrible year.
So my lack of motivation is killing me.

I feel especially guilty with G in a coma. Here I am, taking my days for granted, not bothering to get out of the house or do anything during the day.. That could be me instead. I should take advantage of this knowledge. But it is also hard, because these constant tragedies are heavy on my heart. In a dull, weighted way, it is hard to keep my chin up. What is the point! When such young lives can be whipped around in a totally different direction with no warning, or worse, snapped off, such bright flames extinguished in a millionth of a second. And not just any, but my friends. And my friends' close friends, or family. All my friends are in mourning, and while I haven't had the burden of a close friend or relative's passing on my shoulders yet, it is a different kind of hard to sit by helplessly. It is awful. It is hard to see the point in doing laundry. In doing anything but being with the people I love.
I have never been good at being alone.

This Saturday, too, will be a crazy day. I am entered into a bouldering competition. The first ever competition I've entered in to, ever. And in climbing no less. Here goes nothing!From 11-2. And then I get to race race over to April's to see my sister get married. And then race race back for the grand finale of the comp. And if Kristina comes to visit, that will be going on too. Which, of course, I am not getting my hopes up for, because every time she says she is coming, she never does. But I am remembering it, just in case.
Today, climb. Tomorrow, climb. Thursday, we will go visit Jason, and take him brownies, before we climb and THEN go to belly dancing. Zumba every day. Friday... Football game, maybe. Kristina, maybe. Who knows.
That in and of itself will be interesting. People change...

At least they are still alive to change, though.
I hope hope hope against all hope that Randy recovers. Fully. To the best that he is able. My heart breaks for them.