BIRP

I found a website today. It's called BIRP. blalock's indie/rock playlist. tons of songs FO FREE. from indie/underground artists. and epic mixtapes.

it's so hard to get my head up after Spence. today I thought wow, it's okay, I think I'm really getting over this alright. because I know she's in a good place and it makes sense. it's okay.
and then I was looking through Shaleen's pictures, and BOOM. she was there. suddenly. unexpectedly. and beautiful.

AND IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE

and it still hurts.

beautiful and sparkly. so full of life. she did have a light. it shines. shone. glows. it's gone and even I can feel the absence. an empty, sucking black hole.

of all people. why does it have to be the good ones? she didn't deserve it, nobody associated with her deserved it.

and it's hard to keep my chin up, I realized today that not only am I putting up walls, walls everywhere, that I'm falling right back into the same old nasty self-pitying habits. the guilt trips and manipulation, intentionally finding things to get irritated about so they have to go "oh, are you okay? oh, I'm sorry." the wrong kind, the negative attention. for some reason.
and I was doing so well this summer, feeling in control and motivated and not just in control necessarily, but capable. stoked. and now all that is slipping away.